Outside of food, water and shelter, pretty much. :) And although it can be that simple, what do we really mean by love? Connection . In order to feel secure, we must feel connected to others. And in order to feel secure and whole , those connections need to be healthy. Mutual trust and respect, a sense that you can count on each other, the freedom to be yourself within the relationship. Joy. It is our birthright to live a joyful life. When we consciously design our lives to

yung peublo has this to say about healing: "time does not heal all wounds; it just gives them space to sink into the subconscious, where they will continue to impact your emotions and behaviour. what heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, learning how to let go, and following your intuition." - yung peublo Healing is an inward journey. Although we can rely on others to help us wit

I love this quote: "The one who plants trees, knowing that he will never sit in their shade, has started to understand the meaning of life." - Unknown This message is about altruism. It is the ability to create random acts of kindness; to actively choose to do so without any means of knowing the full effect. Altruism often feels out of reach as we work through our busy lives; yet it can be achieved in the smallest of ways. Kind words, paying for someone's order at a drive thr

When we think about the overall process of growth it is usually with some sort of emotional neutrality - we know that it is essential for all living things. Our gardens grow from seedlings, our plants flourish with the proper amount of water and light, we find delight in the stages of growth in our children and grandchildren. Why then, does necessary emotional growth elicit in us some hesitation, fear and subsequent avoidance? Two truths about growth can provide the answer:

If we automatically say yes to everything, we run the risk of becoming a people pleaser. This may have resulted as a learned behaviour from our childhood, or perhaps our natural temperament of caregiver leans us in that direction. In either case, two fears that exist behind saying 'No' include: the fear of not being needed. We all have a desire to know that we are needed. Sometimes our need for validation or proof that we are of value can supercede our own ability to ask our

Drama. Conflict. Chaos. Game-playing. As a therapist, I hear countless tales of manipulation; the frustrations that come from clients who are struggling to understand a loved one's behaviour. Of personalizing what makes no sense, of trying to navigate the very choppy waters of emotional dysregulation. When we engage in behaviours that are critical of others, or accusatory in nature, we are moving from an insecure position. When we allow ourselves to use explosive language or

We often want things to be one or the other. Our natural inclination is to lean in one direction, and sometimes part of our acceptance is in understanding that we sometimes will need to hold opposing forces equally. Let us remind ourselves that: We can be resilient and still feel fragile. We can feel courage and yet also feel fearful. We can be independant and still need others. We can move forward within our setbacks. We can forgive and still feel pain. We can move on and st

I love this quote by Charles Dickens: “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations Crying comes in many forms; we can sob due to deep grief, we can have silent tears when watching an especially touching scene or commercial, we can "well up" when getti

Jim Carrey, one of the funniest comics to come out of Canada, has also been transparent with the public about his struggle with mental illness. He has this to say about depression: "I believe depression is legitimate. But I also believe that if you don't exercise, eat nutritious food, get sunlight, get enough sleep, consume positive material, surround yourself with support, then you aren't giving yourself a fighting chance." - Jim Carrey We don't always have a choice in feeli

There are times when we need to contain our emotions. We learn the art of this growing up; from our parents when we were given the space to be frustrated in the moments of not getting something we wanted, from our teachers when we quickly realized that we were "sharing" them with 28 other children, from society in general. The ability to contain is what helps us get through difficult times - we inherently know we can't be a complete mess around our co-workers and family membe

Here I go with the shoulds and shouldn'ts again :) Yesterday we talked about something that you should never say to a loved one, today we focus on something you should say to a loved one: "You can count on me." In order to be independent, we have to be dependent. We are a relationship species and our attachment system works in us to aim for a secure base in order to feel safe. This requires our ability to rely on others to be our emotional anchors. And the same goes for u

I tend not to rely on the "shoulds" or the "shouldn'ts" when giving suggestions to clients as those two words lock us into some rigid thought patterns which work against movement and growth. When it comes to relationships; however, there is one thing you should never say to a loved one: "Make me happy." We grew up with notions of fairy-tale love; love that completes, love that comes in on its' white horse and whisks us off to a castle to live happily ever after. (That does

In our final post on the tools of change, today we explore practice . We have come to the time of fully putting our desire to change into action. And that will invovle practice. If it is a habit we are trying to break, or a new lifestyle we are trying to adopt, the more we practice new habits directly affects the reinforcement effect. If it is a challenge we are faced with that inevitably brings change, we must practice a new way of being, of adapting. During these times, we

In our toolbox so far, we have actualization, direction and self-compassion and today's post is about connection . When we come to the realization that something needs to change and we've gathered both information and courage, one element that will help us to put our plan into place is the connection we have to others. We are a relationship species and the need for our village moves well beyond childhood. Because change almost always inevitably brings with it the fear of th

Moving right along in our series of tools of change, today we look at the importance of self-compassion. The graces we afford to others we often don't grant to ourselves. When we falter, create a blunder, or don't accomplish something quickly enough (according to our own standards and expectations), we have the tendency to be hard on ourselves. This is the critical time in the element of change, as we can easily fall into the "I can't do this" trap; our core beliefs begin c

Yesterday we started a 5 part series on the tools of change - the elements necessary in order for us to move towards changing something. Our first tool of change was actualization, today we look at direction . Our 'aha moment' brings us to a crossroads. The old way we were doing something, the relationship that just isn't working anymore, the health issue that isn't going away - all bring us to choosing a new path. It can feel comfortable to stay at the crossroads for awhile

Most of us to some degree fear change. We love our comfort zone, we find safety in the familiar. And yet we also tend to inherently know when change is necessary in order to move forward, to challenge ourselves, to live to our highest potential. For the next 5 posts we will focus on the tools of change; exploring what needs to be in place in order for personal growth to be optimized. The first tool of change to be explored is actualization . In order for us to change someth

I came across this quote which got me to thinking: "Our lives change externally as we change internally." - Caroline Myss As a therapist, I have the privilege of seeing this almost every day. The ability to change something structurally comes only when we have found the courage to explore. When we give ourselves permission to really examine something, that is when realization works to change our thought patterns, our core beliefs, and consequently the energy we release into

In our third and final post in this series about family systems, we look at steps we can take when dealing with a closed family system and/or fostering an open one. The first step begins through understanding and acceptance that the relationships we have are not always the ones we want. I often refer to our propensity towards eternal hope, and we can often stay stuck in a place of wishing that our familial relationships were easier/better/kinder, etc. Understanding that some

Continuing our exploration from yesterday in which we looked at closed family systems, today we will examine what an open family system looks like. In an open family system: Individuality is regarded as just as important as the group dynamic. The family as a group is an important element - it is one of the things that provides its members with stability and consistency. In an open system; however, there is just as much emphasis on who its members are as individuals, and thos