How exactly do emotions work for us? Emotions help us to non-verbally communicate our feelings. We can tell the tell-tale signs of emotion by: the look on the face of our partner if they had a bad day at work, the quiver of our two year old's little chin when on the verge of tears, the heaviness of grief in someone's eyes, the look of terror that is captured when riding a roller coaster (you'll never see that on my face, ha-ha!) or the universal look of joy when someone is wh

Is often the sentiment when a difference of opinion gets to a heated place. We may not say that (or maybe we will) but either way, the point of the conflict has moved to one of having to prove that we are right; an indignant, inflexible place. Lost to our own anger, we are fueled to feel justified in our belief until it reaches the point of conviction, both parties becoming stuck in an unyielding pigeonhole of wanting to get your own way. I often tell clients that there is n

Sometimes we are faced with someone whose anger is getting the best of them. This might be a child, partner, co-worker, friend, or someone at the grocery store. In any case, we are better served to employ some de-escalation strategies in an effort to bring the communication back to a place where compromise has space to be sought. Remain calm. Or at least act it. When someone is getting angry, it automatically creates in us a defensive or frustrated stance. By centering ourse

I want you to ask yourself, "Did I actually do anything wrong?" This is often the counsel I give to clients who are struggling with guilt. The definition of guilt as written in  Webster's Dictionary: "the fact of having committed a legal offense // the fact of having transgressed the moral law // a feeling of culpability ."  In my "Dictionary of Emotions by Patrick Michael Ryan," he lists guilt as: "remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. "   In either exampl

There are many times in therapy when a client is finally able to share a secret that they have held onto since childhood. The air becomes palpable with relief, the client expresses how the space around them feels lighter, and there are often tears indicative of their loss. When we are children, we internalize everything. When trauma occurs, when we witness something or are a victim of something that we understand is 'wrong,' we automatically feel that somehow it must be our

Anger is a universal emotion; when we see an angry face, we are able to instantly recognize the emotion. It is also our safest emotion; we know not to 'poke an angry bear.' Anger is a useful emotion in that it produces an action; it also provides relief. Anger however, is only productive when it is in our control; as soon as it moves to aggression (raised voice, yelling, hitting, name calling, etc.) it is no longer in our control and then works against us. When that “angry b

When our kids are having a meltdown, tough go, or panic attack we can inadvertently compound the situation by telling them to 'Calm down' or 'Relax.' Most of the time, this is also said with a tone that is less than calm. Taking a deep breath ourselves before using these alternatives will help to deliver a supportive message: "You look upset. Do you need a hug?  "I can see that you are struggling with something. Do you need my help?" "Hold my hand and let's take a few deep

I often speak about our emotional system and how it is wired to work for us. With every experience we go through, there is a feeling attached to it. And so why the tendency to suppress? Why do we push them down, set them aside, ignore them completely? Suppressing our feelings catches up to us at some point - by way of a build up - or perhaps we will experience them physically, with pains in our tummies and tightness in our chest. For those who would say that they generally

Not all coping skills are healthy ones. Over time, we can develop ways of dealing with something unpleasant that appear to help us in the moment, but in fact may contribute to our overall feelings of defeat. Two coping skills we may want to avoid include: Pretending you don't care. We have all done it or heard someone say it. When we feel as though we don't have control over a situation, or feel exasperated, we can exclaim "I don't care anymore." When in fact, we do. Preten

Yesterday's post explored the importance of accepting our emotions, without judgement. It includes being able to label an emotion as you are feeling it, without linking it to any learned associations. "I feel angry right now and that is okay." "I am feeling sad and lonely."  "I am feeling peaceful and content." This may seem simplistic, but essentially, we are going back to what we usually learn in childhood - emotional regulation. It is our caregivers who have the ability

I often remark to clients that it is not our feelings that get us into trouble; it is the thoughts or action urges that follow it. If we are angry and it leads us to sending a nasty text, it is that act that will lead to rupture, regret. If we feel hurt but are defaulted to bury that emotion, the act of suppression is what really hurts us. If we feel sad and we spend the day with the covers over our head, we are feeding disengagement, not process. We are meant to feel our em

Yesterday's post examined shame, how it develops, and how it can make us feel invisible. We also learned that the first step in being able to move past shame is to label it; seeing it as an emotion which doesn't have to be tied to our self-identity. We can begin to transform shame with self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff , a leader in the study of self-compassion, defines it as such: "Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Thin

What is shame and how does it serve us? Shame is a self-conscious emotion; typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self. It also differs from guilt. Shame tends to have deep roots and it typically develops because of early experiences with disconnection . A parent fails to become attuned to their child's emotional needs, the experience of being physically or emotionally abandoned, all acts of abuse. The lack of connection doesn't allow the child to see themsel

In order to experience growth in our lives, we need to be curious. It is, after all, the greatest challenger of fear. When our fear response is activated, we become very focused on what threatens us - both real and perceived. It is the perceived fears that will hold us back; that will keep us stuck. When we begin to question the validity of the fear, we begin to loosen its grip. "Does it have to be this way?" "What would happen if I looked at this differently?" "What would

It really isn't difficult to have negative thoughts. We all have a negative bias based on our survival brain, we have core beliefs from childhood, and depending on our circumstances, we may be feeling crummy which can lead to bleak or defeatist thoughts. By why is it so important to keep them in check? Because when we give negative thoughts too much attention, we run the risk of misperceiving ourselves and our loved ones.  Our core beliefs fight for space; they ultimately

There was a time in psychology, where the idea was that if we vented our anger, it would be cathartic. Punching pillows while screaming, couples being guided in therapy to hitting each other with foam noodles , a 'timed' argument where you could angrily vent everything that made you cross about the person in front of you. It was believed that anger needed to be expressed, and doing so would create a cathartic release. Does this actually work? Anger is an emotion that elicits

Yesterday's blog post touched on the need to maintain a continuously positive state, so much so that you leave both yourself and others feeling minimized and invalidated. By overgeneralizing an optimistic state, we miss the boat on genuine emotional experiences. In order to create balance to positivity, you can: Begin by slowing down the immediate response. People who tend to jump to the positivity wagon often do so too quickly. Take a few deep breaths and make more room for

Ever meet someone who is so consistently positive that it begins to feel like you never get to know them? A pleasure to talk to, yet keeps things so rosy, you begin to experience an 'uber-positive' divide? To answer the question, "Is there such a thing as being too positive?" The answer is yes. People who tend to only look on the bright side inadvertently dismiss not only their own feelings, but those around them as well. Their need to create an optimistic state begins to t

Got something bugging you? Have feelings that you have the tendency to simply push away? Have an issue you refuse to do anything about? I often remark to clients that there is a fine line between distraction and avoidance, and only one is good for you. The difference lies in two variables: acknowledgement and action. When we avoid something that we need to address, or ignore the way we are feeling, we skip over acknowledgement and there is no room for plan, direction or re

There are always going to be times when we feel compelled to chime in on an issue. Whether it be at work or in our relationships, sometimes we  feel it necessary to state our concern, opinion or idea. What does it mean to take a passive position? This is not about being passive, but rather taking a position that is more passive in nature. Pros: We have slowed down our immediate response button. When we take a position that is passive initially, we allow ourselves time to g