I have come to really appreciate this statement: "Love begins and ends with attention." The word attend becomes about the investment we place in our relationships and our conscious effort to attend to those we love. We can find it in the 2:00 a.m. feeding of our newborn, in the hugs we give at the door, in the dinners we make to bring family to the table, in the little gifts of affection we buy, in the love notes we leave in our absence, in patiently tolerating the temper t

The importance of attachment, unconditional love and acceptance is now undisputed as being cornerstones to our well being. When we focus on nurturing our loved ones with those goals in mind, we are creating space for a strong foundation and healthy relationships. But is it possible to over nurture? If we find ourselves in a position where we routinely take on other people's problems and have difficulty in saying no, we may be moving into Rescue mode . Here, we tend to have a

After having walked away from a verbal exchange with someone, do you ever feel more conflicted and confused than before you started?  Then you might have just experienced emotional dumping. Emotional dumping is used as a way for people to escape from taking any responsibility for their actions, circumstances or state of the relationship. It is also a way to deflect the real issues at hand, as a way to protect themselves from coming into and embracing a vulnerable state. Emot

When we are fully ourselves in relationship, we have an innate sense of comfort within in. This is not to be mistaken for something that feels familiar - with familiarity the relationship feels safe, whereas with comfort, it feels trustworthy. It is only when we have trust and mutual respect can we feel true comfort in relationship. Our opinions and feelings matter as do those of our loved ones. One of the ways that we can contribute to that process is to create an environm

There are two truths that rise to the surface in relationship to others: You can't change others, you can only change yourself. I love the expression "Change it, accept it or leave it," as it signifies the choices we have when faced with an issue. Because we have eternal hope, we tend to move towards change first as a way to better the relationship. And really, why wouldn't we? If we can talk to our loved one about our concerns, or how their behaviours, patterns or choices

The association that exists between love and approval is one I see over and over again in therapy. Formed usually in childhood, we begin to make links as to how to get affection and attention from our caregivers. Sometimes this comes when we are good or quiet, other times when we 'take care of.' Very often, love and approval is linked because of an emphasis on achievement or success; talent or beauty. Our attachment system is one that guides us to seek unconditional love; wh

There is often an opposite energy attraction in our intimate relationships. People who lack confidence for example, are often attracted to those who have it. Introverts tend to attract extroverts, passive personalities will often be paired with dominant personalities. Sometimes the differences are linked to a quality (such as shyness), a value (financially secure) or a temperament trait (sensitivity). In any case, we often unknowingly attract ourselves to someone who provide

What is a proper apology? I can tell you that any apology that starts out with “I’m sorry but…” is not an apology. Neither is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Essentially when you word an apology in these ways, you are negating the whole purpose of saying sorry which is to acknowledge a wrong doing while seeking repair. It is about owning up to your role in the conflict. Essentially, you wish to say you are sorry for the behaviour you feel guilty about EVEN when the person y

There are 6 relationship phrases that are considered important when looking at the health of a relationship or family. They are “Please,” “Thank you,” “You’re Welcome,” “I love you,” “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” Although at first glance this appears to be just about good manners, it is important to think about the context of when and how you use these phrases. Do you use them with your partner or spouse? With your children? Are they encouraged between partners, parent

There comes a time when we realize that we need to create or tighten our boundaries. Perhaps someone is taking advantage of us, we recognize that a relationship has become enmeshed, or we are allowing someone to treat us in a way that isn't acceptable. In any case, we decide that some boundaries have to be set. We can do this in such a way as to make sure that we are moving from the position of "I am important and so are you;" to be calm and kind in our approach. We can pract

We know that we have achieved a healthy place in relationship when we have interdependence ; a secure sense of self is present, while also recognizing the importance of human connection. Being able to maintain a sense of high self-esteem while in relationship includes: Space . When two people are in a healthy relationship, they recognize the need for time apart to pursue personal interests. There is the knowledge that self-care activities are important and that it is okay to

Resentment can be quite insidious. What may begin as a few annoyances can build to a point where you are holding your loved one in contempt. The anger of contempt comes with its own army....all of those frustrations have now gathered and are ready to fight. You come well armed, yet your loved one isn't prepared for the attack. Dr. John Gottman lists contempt as one of the most destructive negative behaviours in relationships: "Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative

In yesterday's post, we explored invalidation and how some commonly used statements are actually not helpful in the moment. Our goal is validation: When we simply allow another person their feelings, when we listen with the intent of trying to understand, we are creating space for their experience: "Would it help to talk about it?" or "Tell me what happened." "Okay," "I see," "Yes,"   - these are verbal prompts that simply let a person know that you are listening. "How are

We have all experienced the dismissive feeling of  invalidation. When we are vulnerable in telling someone how we feel, and their remarks somehow negate or disregard those feelings, we automatically experience a sinking of spirit. This often leads to shutting down and zipping up as we have felt brushed off, denied and rejected. Although a person's remarks may come with good intentions, it is important to understand that these types of remarks skip over the feeling and miss t

We have all had those "0 to 60" reactions. Something gets triggered in us, our temper flares and our reaction is immediate. Hopefully, whatever words or actions that came as a result of flying off the handle, will be repairable. Unfortunately, the repair piece is often forgotten, and excuses replace an apology: "You made me so mad I couldn't help myself." "If you would just co-operate, I wouldn't yell." It is in these moments that we must check ourselves. Yes, we can't cont

Yesterday's post featured the importance of a village of attachment for our children. It is the concept that embraces the notion that "it takes a village to raise a child," and how kinship and community can provide adult relationships of attachment for children in addition to their parents. In westernized society, the nuclear family has moved farther and farther away from the concept of village, and has become insular. Some ways that we can begin to move towards cultivating

My sister and I grew up away from family as my parents settled in a small Ontario town for a job opportunity. As a result, we saw our maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins only a few times a year. Although we were close and loved going to Massachusetts, the physical distance didn't allow us to fully take advantage of our 'village of attachment.' The African saying of "It takes a village to raise a child," is a rather accurate reflection of what our attachment vill

Communication in relationships takes work. It is one of those things that doesn't always come easily; firstly, due to our emotional brain and how it likes to trump our rational brain , and secondly, we have often learned unhealthy communication patterns throughout our relationship history. When we get annoyed or angry with someone, it is often a natural response to lean into attention seeking behaviours. In those moments, we have shifted to a focus on being right; on having

To love someone unconditionally takes a conscious effort. We have our own value systems, attitudes, opinions and beliefs. We have ways we like to do things, habits that have formed over time, and individualised experiences that help form who we are in relationship . And as a result, if we are not careful, love can become conditional. It can be overt or implied; conditional love involves a 'set of rules' that one must follow to feel approval and acceptance from their loved one

In our last post in this series on codependency, we look at how to create a healthier space in relationships so as to lessen codependent habits. It is important to note that when trying to create a healthier relationship, both parties have to be on board. If only one person is doing the work to create structural change, it is not effective. In many circumstances, the only choice that remains is to leave a codependent relationship. When we notice that codependency might be