Loss comes in many forms; in the grief we feel when a loved one passes away, in the sorrow of a break up, in the distress of losing a job. We feel loss when the leaves have all fallen and the trees sit bare, when times as we knew it are gone, when we struggle with a life circumstance that seems overwhelming. The reality of loss is just that; it is acknowledging that grief is a part of life. It is accepting that in our process of grieving we have also loved. Here are three q

I recently sat with a client who had been a witness to a serious car accident. She had been involved in helping those injured and at the time of the accident was in full swing action mode. Three weeks later, she was still struggling with some of the after effects of that incident. When we have an especially upsetting experience or trauma, we will often experience an acute stress reaction . Very often, that will include a re-experiencing of the event with intrusive images or

Over-estimating danger is a common thinking trap. Often tied to a core belief or learned from past experience, we can fall prey to believing that something bad is going to happen. For some people, it can be an accompanying thought to a low-level feeling of anxiety that is often described as "a feeling of dread." If your childhood was filled with uncertainty or chaos, you most likely live with low level anxiety. Our fight-or-flight system responds to this low level anxiety as

Sometimes we create our own roadblock to change. This is not always obvious; after all, denial is a big line of defense. It can happen consciously - we verbally deny observations or questions brought to our attention; and it can also occur unconsciously, where the pull is stronger and it usually involves 'forgetting' elements of what has taken place. Typically, when we sense that there is something we hold back from ourselves, this represents our sore spots, our fears, our d

Dysfunction in families shows up as does everything else - on a continuum. Sometimes the chaos and abuse is obvious, other times the dysfunction is more subtle. Through my work with clients, I have learned that the roles we are given in childhood, based on some level of dysfunction, has the ability to be carried into our adult lives as it begins to weave itself into our identity. Here are some common roles we carry from childhood: The Caregiver. Most often, this role is crea

We tend to like to know what is going on. We feel safe when we have a sense of direction, less anxiety when there is movement, we like to know the plan. Uncertainty threatens our levels of safety ; it throws us into limbo which is always a tough place to be. If we happen to come from a childhood that was chaotic or in any way emotionally unsafe, uncertainty can create even greater anxiety levels - to the point where the discomfort feels unbearable. Uncertainty keeps us stuc

As parents, there are going to be times when we disagree with each other and an argument might ensue; one that the children witness, regardless of our efforts to slow it down. An exception to the rule is often manageable and won't create long lasting effects; however chronic parental conflict will.  Our home is set up to be a safe place; one in which we don't experience ongoing conflict or chaos; meant to provide security and consistency in care. When parents (either living

Yesterday's post looked at the importance of our mindset when building resilience. Today, we look at well being and how it can contribute to the overall level of resilience we have in dealing with stress, a situation out of our control, loss, trauma. One of the greatest factors that contributes to our well being is when, upon examination, we feel good about our lives. Paramount to feeling an overall sense of satisfaction is the amount of personal control we have within them

Resilience is defined as "the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness." It is a psychological quality that allows us to recover from challenges, and in hindsight, to acknowledge those challenges as times of personal growth. How is it that some people seem to be more resilient than others? Although there are contributing factors such as early life experiences and genetics that can't be modified, we can build resilience. Today's post will feature building re

Ever have the experience of accidentally hitting the ditch? Maybe the weather was bad, or you were driving a bit too fast (or both). Maybe someone veered into your lane and you had no choice; before you know it, the car is taking its own path and you have lost control. Very often, it is the same in life. Travelling along, sometimes we 'hit the ditch' because of our own choices, other times, it is the challenges that get in our way. For the time that it takes to get lodged, t

We like things to feel right; our innate need for feeling safe likes neutrality, homeostasis, the feeling that all is right in the world.  But we also have a system that is built to survive; our instincts help to decipher threat. When our comfort system is threatened, we often struggle with the discomfort that brings. We want the feeling to immediately go away, and when it doesn't, our anxiety rises and we begin to feel out of control. As a result, we will try and return to

Lois Tonkin created this quote about grief: "People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. In reality, grief stays the same size, but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it." When we experience a profound loss, grief becomes a part of our make-up. It remains in our cells, in our memories, in our stories. The presence of our loved ones who have passed away come to us every day in the smallest and biggest of ways. We can find grief in our laughter, in our tears, i

Sometimes we can't find an answer to our questions. It may be that they are existential in nature, or perhaps the person we need to gain understanding from is not capable or willing to answer. It is a theme that is often repeated in therapy - from a mother who wrestles with understanding the loss of her child, to a young woman who fails to comprehend how, despite her effort, her mother chooses to remain distant, to a young man who wants to understand why his girlfriend treats

There are times when we get into a "poor me" or "why me" train of thinking. Sometimes it comes from a lot of stress that we are under, chronic pain can bring it on, or our life circumstances are feeling particularly challenging for whatever reason. And although it is perfectly okay to recognize and accept that this is the way we are feeling, we must be cautious not to stay there. Defeatist thinking tends to create a cycle that can lead to feeling stuck, and if we give the "po

Building from yesterday's post in which we looked at some key steps to managing difficult emotions, today we look at the "0 to 60" response. Very often, people will remark that they can't control their emotions- that when they feel something, their need to act on it is immediate. That might be anger by means of a quick or short temper, fear - which can produce a panic attack or immediate tears when triggered to something sad or overwhelming. As we touched on yesterday, every

We all have them - difficult emotions. Sometimes the struggle is with anger, sometimes it is with fear, or shame, or deep sadness. The difficulty is often in what feels uncontrollable; a reaction that feels out of our grasp and all-consuming. But we can learn to help control and contain difficult emotions. The first step is to simply begin to be aware of your emotions . It is to understand that it is not the feeling that gets you into trouble. Every feeling that you have is

It is often during holidays and special events that we often miss our loved ones who have passed away. If we are going through a time of loss, the holidays can feel that much heavier. Sometimes it is difficult to hold space for both the joy of the occasion and the feelings of sadness that are a part of the grieving process. I came across this poem by ullie-kaye which gives us a way to conceptualize grief as a gift; to understand that our love for someone doesn't end but rathe

Grief runs its own course. It is not time that heals all wounds, but rather ourselves allowing the process of grief to be within us, with the rise and fall of each day, of each season. Our relationship to the person who has passed will determine the depth of our grief, the richness of our healing. Today marks 6 years since my mother has passed away. Although it is a day to remember her, there isn't a day that goes by without her in our thoughts, in our sense of her energy, in

For anyone living with chronic pain, they are forever challenged by the fact that try as they might - taking medications on time, getting the right amount of sleep and exercise, eating healthy - if pain decides to take over on any given day, they get bumped out of the driver's seat. The dissonance that gets created as a result, lies not in the fact that you are having a pain day, but rather that you had expectations for the day. If we can't get done what we had planned, or g

I see many women who come to therapy because of domestic violence; and there are two things that consistently form an observable pattern among their stories: Full clarity only comes after they leave. In Canada, DV charges are now laid by the police and gone are the old days when a spouse could go into the station and drop the charges; an immediate no contact order is put into place, and both parties can be charged with breach if they contact one another.  This space is often