When something we so desperately wanted didn’t work out, we often struggle with the “Why me?” The job that we didn’t get, the relationship that ended, the house that got sold to someone else. We search for the answers in an existential space, we circle and circle recent past events, we wish it could be different, we sit in a space of not understanding. Eventually we begin the emotion filled process of acceptance; we shed our tears, we share our feelings in therapy, we begin t

I often talk about the importance of movement and how getting outside for a daily walk is both physically and emotionally healthy for us. When we can do our walk in nature, we add the calming presence of the landscape to our sense of peace, a sense of being grounded in our busy day. Very often however, even our walks can become a multi-task event. We may talk on the phone while walking, text as we walk, listen to music to pick up the pace, or squeeze in a podcast that we have

When we are stuck in thought, it can keep us trapped in worry. Worry is always accompanied by fear and that will keep us in our emotion brain, creating a block to our logical and rational brain. Very often, the thought takes over and we lose the ability to process the feeling. Step 1:  Name the feeling attached to the thought. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” (Usually, we can find the answer.) Step 2: Ask yourself, “Is this thought helpful?” (The answer will most li

There are times when we will feel guilty about something we have said or done. Perhaps we acted with reaction instead of response, perhaps we made a choice that hurt someone we loved, perhaps we weren’t consistent in honouring a boundary and the guilt we feel is tied to not respecting our sense of value and integrity. When we have done something to warrant guilt, we are meant to feel it. Guilt is a mindful emotion, designed to allow our self to do better, to seek repair and r

We all have the tendency at times to feel responsible for others. Perhaps it comes from the desire to fix things, perhaps it comes from a tendency to take care of others. Perhaps it was a role we once had, and even though the role has changed, we default to fix, to take care of. When we can’t fix it, we feel guilt, and when we can’t take care of it for them, we feel sadness. But what about the times when we can fix it or take care of it for them? Should we have? And how do w

When we are intentional in how we spend our time, in who we invest in, in the activities we choose for our self-care and nourishment, we live a more peaceful and grounded life. This passage by Vex King reminds us of the importance of presence: “Take walks without turning them into workouts. Sit with a book until you fall into slumber. Cook slowly, watch the sky change colour, and romanticize your rituals. Modern life teaches us to measure ourselves by achievement, but I don’t

I love this quote: “You won’t see it for what it is until you stop looking at it through the lens of what  you want it to be.” - Unknown This speaks to our eternal hope; that someone will change, that they will lean into their potential, that the circumstances aren’t as they are. What we want it to be we hope for, and it can keep us in a state of longing, and a desire for a specific outcome. It can lead to avoidance and denial. In the long run we can’t hide from the truth for

We all get caught in rumination loops. Sometimes we ruminate about something that happened in the past, other times we ruminate about something that might happen in the future. Although it is important to process and understand our past, if we get caught in a rumination loop that focuses on past events, we run the risk of reinforcing symptoms of depression. And although we are pre-programmed to worry from our nomad lives of way long ago, if we ruminate about something in the

I often talk about the power of the pause and how instrumental it can be to lead us into making a decision that is measured and mindful. When we slow down enough to take a deep breath, center ourselves to assess and process our emotions, and allow our logical mind to weigh in, we tend to feel more grounded and settled. We are in our Wise Mind when we can use both logic and emotion to inform and guide us. Recently, a client noted that she resonated with the grounded space of W

Loss comes in many forms; in the grief we feel when a loved one passes away, in the sorrow of a break up, in the distress of losing a job. We feel loss when the leaves have all fallen and the trees sit bare, when times as we knew it are gone, when we struggle with a life circumstance that seems overwhelming. The reality of loss is just that; it is acknowledging that grief is a part of life. It is accepting that in our process of grieving we have also loved. Here are three q

We tend to over commit. Say yes to things because it feels bad to say no. We just try to squeeze everything in to make people happy, putting our own needs on the back burner. It can be difficult to decide where our responsibilities lie, and everything begins to feels as though it's a requirement. Instead of jumping in with both barrels, is it possible to move to a position of balancing our priorities with our demands ? Three questions that we can ask ourselves before we say

How exactly do emotions work for us? Emotions help us to non-verbally communicate our feelings. We can tell the tell-tale signs of emotion by: the look on the face of our partner if they had a bad day at work, the quiver of our two year old's little chin when on the verge of tears, the heaviness of grief in someone's eyes, the look of terror that is captured when riding a roller coaster (you'll never see that on my face, ha-ha!) or the universal look of joy when someone is wh

Martin Seligman is a psychologist who is considered the father of modern positive psychology. This is what he has to say about what we choose to focus on: "When we take time to notice the things that go right - it means we are getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day." - Martin Seligman Think about how many times we tend to focus on what goes wrong, on how the weather is not co-operating, on how someone else's behaviour has the ability to sway our mood. We often tak

I came across this poem by Hannah Brencher which summed up quite nicely for me the 'unpacking' that occurs in therapy: "We all have a bag. We all pack  differently. Some of us are  travelling light. Some of us are  secret hoarders who've never  parted with a memory in our lives. I think we are all called to  figure out how to carry our bag to the best of our ability, how to unpack it, and how to face the mess. I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down on the floo

I have come to really appreciate this statement: "Love begins and ends with attention." The word attend becomes about the investment we place in our relationships and our conscious effort to attend to those we love. We can find it in the 2:00 a.m. feeding of our newborn, in the hugs we give at the door, in the dinners we make to bring family to the table, in the little gifts of affection we buy, in the love notes we leave in our absence, in patiently tolerating the temper t

Is often the sentiment when a difference of opinion gets to a heated place. We may not say that (or maybe we will) but either way, the point of the conflict has moved to one of having to prove that we are right; an indignant, inflexible place. Lost to our own anger, we are fueled to feel justified in our belief until it reaches the point of conviction, both parties becoming stuck in an unyielding pigeonhole of wanting to get your own way. I often tell clients that there is n

We speak a lot about the skill of being able to say no. That 'no is a complete sentence.' That we are within our right to not always have to say yes to someone's request. There is no doubt that to a people pleaser, this is a skill that takes time, effort and convincing. Yet what about the idea of respecting no? In the book "Choosing Civility" by P.M. Forni , he talks about the importance of being able to respect even a subtle no: "Someone has turned down your request or i

What a lovely passage by Morgan Harper Nichols: And in those moments where the sun is setting and the house is quiet and you are weary from the day, may you know that there is grace for you in that space, and no amount of heaviness or loneliness can take that away. And because of that grace, you are free to slow  down. You are free to breathe and rest, no matter the  things not sorted out. There might be some mystery here, and there might be longing, wondering and waiting, bu

There are five areas of our life that help contribute to our overall level of satisfaction; our work, our intimate/family relationships, our spiritual life, our sense of self and our social life. If we are able to achieve a good sense of balance, and feel as though these areas are for the most part in our control, we feel more secure in our sense of well-being. There are times however, when we feel out of balance and perhaps one or two of the areas are not in our control as

A quote that I came upon:  “Education does not take place when you learn something you did not know before. Education is your ability to use what you have learned to be better today than you were yesterday.” -  Iyanla Vanzant  It is in the therapy office that I see examples of  this statement becoming reinforced over and over again. When clients first come to therapy, the first question I ask them is "what is bringing you to counselling?" It is a good way for me to hear from