Support, versus Save. An Important Distinction

We all have the tendency at times to feel responsible for others. Perhaps it comes from the desire to fix things, perhaps it comes from a tendency to take care of others. Perhaps it was a role we once had, and even though the role has changed, we default to fix, to take care of. When we can’t fix it, we feel guilt, and when we can’t take care of it for them, we feel sadness.

But what about the times when we can fix it or take care of it for them? Should we have? And how do we feel about that? A temporarily relief perhaps, but eventually sadness, disappointment, frustration. (For clarity purposes, I am not speaking about our dependents. I am speaking about those on equal standing, including adult children.)

When it comes to healthy relationships, there is a fine line between supporting someone and saving them. If we rush into fix mode, we run the risk of reinforcing dependence. If we rush into doing it for them, we reinforce a lack of agency.  We can suggest, encourage and praise. We can brainstorm, send them information to read, offer to help them. By allowing someone else to lean into taking care of themselves, we reinforce their agency, we help them to build their own independence which helps to strengthen their sense of identity. Support versus save; an important distinction.