When our kids are having a meltdown, tough go, or panic attack we can inadvertently compound the situation by telling them to 'Calm down' or 'Relax.' Most of the time, this is also said with a tone that is less than calm. Taking a deep breath ourselves before using these alternatives will help to deliver a supportive message: "You look upset. Do you need a hug? "I can see that you are struggling with something. Do you need my help?" "Hold my hand and let's take a few deep

I came across this lovely prose by Lang Leav is entitled "New Beginnings." New Beginnings If I have learned anything this year, it is that I won't ever be ready for what life throws at me. I won't have the right words when it counts; I won't know what to choose when fate itself is staring me down. But now I know I don't always need to have the right answer. I've learned I can go on waiting for something, sustained by hope and nothing more - or I can put it aside and shrug my

A client remarked to me the other day, "When the why is strong enough, the how will follow." As I reflected upon this with her, I was once again brought back to one of my favourite words: curiosity. People come to therapy because they want something to be fixed; they want to feel better. Sometimes that comes with a clarity as to what they are struggling with; other times it is obscure or hidden from them and they are basing their presenting issue on feelings or symptoms. In

When we think about the beginning of something, usually something exciting comes to mind. The start of a holiday is always filled with the thoughts of adventure, a new relationship is saturated with the honeymoon phase, the nervous jitters of a new job is often tempered with possibility. When we think about something ending, usually unpleasant thoughts are quickly enveloped with feelings we wish to avoid. Endings bring about change and a new and potentially uncomfortable rea

Over-estimating danger is a common thinking trap. Often tied to a core belief or learned from past experience, we can fall prey to believing that something bad is going to happen. For some people, it can be an accompanying thought to a low-level feeling of anxiety that is often described as "a feeling of dread." If your childhood was filled with uncertainty or chaos, you most likely live with low level anxiety. Our fight-or-flight system responds to this low level anxiety as

What is a proper apology? I can tell you that any apology that starts out with “I’m sorry but…” is not an apology. Neither is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Essentially when you word an apology in these ways, you are negating the whole purpose of saying sorry which is to acknowledge a wrong doing while seeking repair. It is about owning up to your role in the conflict. Essentially, you wish to say you are sorry for the behaviour you feel guilty about EVEN when the person y

There are 6 relationship phrases that are considered important when looking at the health of a relationship or family. They are “Please,” “Thank you,” “You’re Welcome,” “I love you,” “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” Although at first glance this appears to be just about good manners, it is important to think about the context of when and how you use these phrases. Do you use them with your partner or spouse? With your children? Are they encouraged between partners, parent

Three components of resliliecny include growth, strength and courage. Let's celebrate each one of these with a quote: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais Nin "You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." - Marcus Aurelius "You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore." - William Faulkner When we build resilien

This can be a good mantra for people pleasers. And although it is perfectly acceptable to simply say no to a request, it often feels difficult to do so. The first thing that enters into the picture is the propensity to say "Yes" - and that pull tends to be quite strong. Next comes the guilt - somehow saying no indicates what a horrible person you are. Tsk. Tsk. Unfortunately, saying yes all the time makes us tired, feel as though we are being taken advantage of, and places ou

Sometimes we create our own roadblock to change. This is not always obvious; after all, denial is a big line of defense. It can happen consciously - we verbally deny observations or questions brought to our attention; and it can also occur unconsciously, where the pull is stronger and it usually involves 'forgetting' elements of what has taken place. Typically, when we sense that there is something we hold back from ourselves, this represents our sore spots, our fears, our d

I can remember the adventures of my childhood; exploring the back fields and woods with my sister, building forts among the thorn bushes, playing by the 'big pond' - racing over to the tracks to watch a train barreling by. Each adventure had a story. When I came across this poem, it was a lovely reminder of the joy that comes when we seek adventure: Little one remind me how to run again barefoot through the pathless woods. Show me where the fairies hide messages in curled

When it comes to our emotional health, there are a variety of things that if we did less of them, we would actually get more in return. From my work with clients, I would say that these are what I would choose as the top 5: Speak less and listen more. One of the most useful skills I learned in graduate school was how to listen. To listen with the intention of understanding, to get the full picture. We tend to listen with our own emotional filters; coupled with living in a so

Sometimes life can feel as though you have no control over it. That might come from a sinking feeling of what is happening in the world right now, sometimes it can come from our own circumstances - from being too busy or overwhelmed, from being in a job or a relationship that isn't working for us anymore, from struggling to manage grief or a mental illness. Here are some ways to feel empowered: Get outside . Put your face to the sun, feel the breeze on your face. Take a deep

A lovely quote from Morgan Harper Nichols: “I hope you are able to remember what was Light-woven and beautiful. I hope you are able to see to remember what was, and carry the goodness that you will never forget in the direction of what is to come.” ― Morgan Harper Nichols We have the ability to let others see our light; to brighten a dark path so as to experience the future of where we are going. Sometimes, we may surrender our faith when the weight of the world gets heavy.

Dysfunction in families shows up as does everything else - on a continuum. Sometimes the chaos and abuse is obvious, other times the dysfunction is more subtle. Through my work with clients, I have learned that the roles we are given in childhood, based on some level of dysfunction, has the ability to be carried into our adult lives as it begins to weave itself into our identity. Here are some common roles we carry from childhood: The Caregiver. Most often, this role is crea

I often speak about our emotional system and how it is wired to work for us. With every experience we go through, there is a feeling attached to it. And so why the tendency to suppress? Why do we push them down, set them aside, ignore them completely? Suppressing our feelings catches up to us at some point - by way of a build up - or perhaps we will experience them physically, with pains in our tummies and tightness in our chest. For those who would say that they generally

There comes a time when we realize that we need to create or tighten our boundaries. Perhaps someone is taking advantage of us, we recognize that a relationship has become enmeshed, or we are allowing someone to treat us in a way that isn't acceptable. In any case, we decide that some boundaries have to be set. We can do this in such a way as to make sure that we are moving from the position of "I am important and so are you;" to be calm and kind in our approach. We can pract

Mindful breathing is a conscious exercise; one in which we purposefully carve out some time (even 5 minutes) to pay attention to our breathing. The basics include: Pick a quiet location, free of distraction. Close your eyes and turn your attention inward to your breathing. Slow your breaths; inhale through the nose, expanding your belly. Exhale slowly. If your attention shifts from breathing, that is okay. Gently encourage it back to the simple act of breathing - in and out.

I came across this poem by Walk the Earth: Choose When you fill your mind with thoughts of kindness, love, faith, hope, & joy, your reality will become all of these things. You will start to see kindness in the world. You will start to feel love as you go about your day. You will notice more of the little joys of life. You've tried listening to your fears and doubts and they've never brought you happiness. It's time to start choosing love. It's time you start choosing faith.

Dorothy Law Nolte wrote this poem in 1954. An American writer and family counsellor, she was a mother of 3 and believed in positive parenting. The classic poem is a good reminder that by our own choices we have an impact on our children: Children Learn What They Live - Dorothy Law Nolte If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy. If children live with shame,