Yesterday's post explored the importance of accepting our emotions, without judgement. It includes being able to label an emotion as you are feeling it, without linking it to any learned associations. "I feel angry right now and that is okay." "I am feeling sad and lonely."  "I am feeling peaceful and content." This may seem simplistic, but essentially, we are going back to what we usually learn in childhood - emotional regulation. It is our caregivers who have the ability

I often remark to clients that it is not our feelings that get us into trouble; it is the thoughts or action urges that follow it. If we are angry and it leads us to sending a nasty text, it is that act that will lead to rupture, regret. If we feel hurt but are defaulted to bury that emotion, the act of suppression is what really hurts us. If we feel sad and we spend the day with the covers over our head, we are feeding disengagement, not process. We are meant to feel our em

I came across this lovely poem by Ilan Shamir that reminds us about the healing experience of nature: Advice From a Tree Dear Friend Stand Tall and Proud Sink your roots deeply into the Earth Reflect the light of your true nature Think long term. Go out on a limb Remember your place among all living beings Embrace with joy the changing seasons For each yields its own abundance The energy and birth of spring The growth and contentment of summer The wisdom to let go, like leave

Yesterday's post examined shame, how it develops, and how it can make us feel invisible. We also learned that the first step in being able to move past shame is to label it; seeing it as an emotion which doesn't have to be tied to our self-identity. We can begin to transform shame with self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff , a leader in the study of self-compassion, defines it as such: "Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Thin

What is shame and how does it serve us? Shame is a self-conscious emotion; typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self. It also differs from guilt. Shame tends to have deep roots and it typically develops because of early experiences with disconnection . A parent fails to become attuned to their child's emotional needs, the experience of being physically or emotionally abandoned, all acts of abuse. The lack of connection doesn't allow the child to see themsel

In yesterday's post, we explored invalidation and how some commonly used statements are actually not helpful in the moment. Our goal is validation: When we simply allow another person their feelings, when we listen with the intent of trying to understand, we are creating space for their experience: "Would it help to talk about it?" or "Tell me what happened." "Okay," "I see," "Yes,"   - these are verbal prompts that simply let a person know that you are listening. "How are

We have all experienced the dismissive feeling of  invalidation. When we are vulnerable in telling someone how we feel, and their remarks somehow negate or disregard those feelings, we automatically experience a sinking of spirit. This often leads to shutting down and zipping up as we have felt brushed off, denied and rejected. Although a person's remarks may come with good intentions, it is important to understand that these types of remarks skip over the feeling and miss t

This acronym about boundaries comes to us from Nila Conzen, a holistic psychologist from Germany: B - Be true to yourself. O - Only say yes when you mean it. U - Understand that not everyone will be pleased to hear them. N - Never feel guilty for speaking your truth. D - Do not adjust your needs to please others. A - Ask for what you want. (I don't know any mind readers out there.) R - Remember why you set them in the first place. I - Investigate your own needs. E -

Following our post from yesterday, here are some quotes about curiosity: "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." - Albert Einstein "Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will." - James Stephens "Curiosity is the engine of achievement." - Ken Robinson "I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity." - Eleanor Roosevelt "On

You know I am going to like this post as I often speak about the importance of curiosity: Curiosity tempers fear. Most of our fears are perceived - curiosity can help to work away at our worries. Asking ourselves "Does it have to be this way?" is a great start to moving past an engrained fear. So is asking ourselves "Is there another way I can approach this?" Sometimes just giving ourselves permission to imagine a different outcome can begin to work away at our fear - curi

I love this little poem by Hafiz: The Sun Never Says Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that, It lights the whole sky. - Hafiz We all have a light that is within us; a spiritual, soulful place that feels whole, grounded, welcoming. When we fully and genuinely smile, we can feel the light bubbling up and out. When we are playful, our light heartedness infects others. When we do something purely out of love

Compassion Fatigue is a condition that can develop over time in which a person experiences emotional, spiritual and/or physical exhaustion; developing cumulatively in those who care for others. Here are 5 facts about compassion fatigue: It is often described as "the negative cost of caring," and it is characterized by a reduced ability to feel empathy for those they are caring for. Therein lies the dichotomy, as those in caregiving roles tend to be very empathic. People in h

There is a trick to standing still. To waiting. There are times when we keep ourselves stuck, other times when life's circumstances have grounded us. We usually know the difference. :) I came across this whimsical poem that reminds us that when we look for it, we can see that even when standing still, there is movement: It was the longest night in winter, When I sent a question into space, Asking how I'd ever change, When I'm trapped in the same place. And I heard the full mo

We have all had those "0 to 60" reactions. Something gets triggered in us, our temper flares and our reaction is immediate. Hopefully, whatever words or actions that came as a result of flying off the handle, will be repairable. Unfortunately, the repair piece is often forgotten, and excuses replace an apology: "You made me so mad I couldn't help myself." "If you would just co-operate, I wouldn't yell." It is in these moments that we must check ourselves. Yes, we can't cont

Serotonin is the hormone that is responsible for stabilizing our mood. It produces feelings of well-being and happiness, and helps to regulate sleep and digestion. And 90% of its receptors are located in the gut. Because of this fact, serotonin plays a vital role between your brain and your gut health. As a result, researchers have begun examining inflammation and its link to the symptoms of depression. In order to naturally boost serotonin, and thereby reducing inflammation

When we are attempting to change something about ourselves, it often carries with it anxious feelings. There are times when the uncertainty that accompanies change will threaten our efforts, sending us back to our comfortable and familiar ways - even if those habits are unhealthy. Seems disheartening doesn't it? Here we are, wanting to change something, and we end up feeling anxious, jittery, uncertain. Why is personal growth so frightening? Dr. Jonice Webb has this to say

The word should is one that rolls right off the tongue: "I should exercise more." "I should be able to do that." "You should take my advice."  According to the dictionary,  you use the word should when you are saying what would be the right thing to do or the right state for something to be in.  The problem with the word is that it goes against our goal to be open minded and flexible. When we hear the word should, it implies rigidity and control; our own critical voice wi

We tend to like to know what is going on. We feel safe when we have a sense of direction, less anxiety when there is movement, we like to know the plan. Uncertainty threatens our levels of safety ; it throws us into limbo which is always a tough place to be. If we happen to come from a childhood that was chaotic or in any way emotionally unsafe, uncertainty can create even greater anxiety levels - to the point where the discomfort feels unbearable. Uncertainty keeps us stuc

Yesterday's post examined what social anxiety is and how it tends to develop for people. Today, we will look at ways that we can begin to challenge social anxiety by lessening it's hold on us. The first step comes by way of exploring why social anxiety has become an issue. When we can understand something, it tends to give us permission to ask ourselves "Does it have to be this way?" It is also important to recognize that what may have started out as an association, has now

"I will worry about a social gathering as soon as know about it. I rarely commit so that I can have a way out."  "Just the thought of going to the grocery store can send me into a panic. And if the parking lot is full? Forget it, I don't even go in." "I hate talking on the phone; I get so anxious when I have to call for an appointment, or even to order a pizza." Social anxiety is the fear of social situations ; people who suffer with social anxiety will report that it really