We know that we have achieved a healthy place in relationship when we have interdependence ; a secure sense of self is present, while also recognizing the importance of human connection. Being able to maintain a sense of high self-esteem while in relationship includes: Space . When two people are in a healthy relationship, they recognize the need for time apart to pursue personal interests. There is the knowledge that self-care activities are important and that it is okay to

As a therapist, I am always reluctant to agree with the line of thought that encourages anyone to "forget about the past." Looking back is an important element in better understanding our story - we often need to understand how something developed, what patterns were created and why we are often governed by certain dynamics or core beliefs as this helps us to accept . It is an important step in giving ourselves permission to move to change. The amount of "aha moments" that

One of my girls' favourite childhood books was "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. I came across this poem by him that, although most likely written for children, is also a good reminder to everyone as to how to be good citizens: Ations If we meet and I say, 'Hi,' That's a salutation. If you ask me how I feel, That's consideration. If we stop and talk a while, That's a conversation. If we understand each other, That's communication. If we argue, scream and fight, That's an

Resentment can be quite insidious. What may begin as a few annoyances can build to a point where you are holding your loved one in contempt. The anger of contempt comes with its own army....all of those frustrations have now gathered and are ready to fight. You come well armed, yet your loved one isn't prepared for the attack. Dr. John Gottman lists contempt as one of the most destructive negative behaviours in relationships: "Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative

We are now at the Maintenance Stage of the Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska and DiClemente). Characteristics of the maintenance stage include: We are more likely to have formed new habits/behaviour patterns that create for us the ability to stick to our goals. What we had implemented in the action stage is still playing a part, but we may not be as zealous in frequency. (Exercise is a good example.) Our confidence has increased. We feel a sense of accomplishment a

In the fourth stage of the Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska & DiClemente), we move to Action. The characteristics of the action stage include: Tangible, observable behaviour changes. The people around us can see changes and will often comment on them; further encouraging us to keep on track. We have moved from wanting the change to learning what we needed to do to create the change, to actually taking the steps to feel the change. Feeling the change is an importan

Moving right along in our series about the Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska & DiClemente), today we look at Stage 3 which is Preparation . The preparation stage of change has moved to some form of action: Small changes are seen in the preparation stage and we will most likely move to full action in about a month's time. During this phase, we will seek out the information we need in order to make the change happen; examples include: speaking to our doctor, booking a

Yesterday's blog post featured the beginning of a series on the Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska DiClemente. We started with the pre-contemplation stage; today's post features the Contemplation Stage . In the contemplation stage, we have shifted inward to begin thinking about the possibility of change. The characteristics of contemplation include: Understanding that perhaps there are consequences to our actions; that we are potentially either hurting someone e

In the 1970's, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente developed what is known as the Transtheoretical Model of Change. Sounds big, but it is really a way of understanding how people can change a behaviour or habit and the stages required in order for the change to become structural. It is a integrative model that looks at how a person's behavioural, psychological, and social factors play a part in that process. We will begin a series of posts that look at each stage, includin

Not all coping skills are healthy ones. Over time, we can develop ways of dealing with something unpleasant that appear to help us in the moment, but in fact may contribute to our overall feelings of defeat. Two coping skills we may want to avoid include: Pretending you don't care. We have all done it or heard someone say it. When we feel as though we don't have control over a situation, or feel exasperated, we can exclaim "I don't care anymore." When in fact, we do. Preten

Yesterday's post explored the importance of accepting our emotions, without judgement. It includes being able to label an emotion as you are feeling it, without linking it to any learned associations. "I feel angry right now and that is okay." "I am feeling sad and lonely." "I am feeling peaceful and content." This may seem simplistic, but essentially, we are going back to what we usually learn in childhood - emotional regulation. It is our caregivers who have the ability

I often remark to clients that it is not our feelings that get us into trouble; it is the thoughts or action urges that follow it. If we are angry and it leads us to sending a nasty text, it is that act that will lead to rupture, regret. If we feel hurt but are defaulted to bury that emotion, the act of suppression is what really hurts us. If we feel sad and we spend the day with the covers over our head, we are feeding disengagement, not process. We are meant to feel our em

I came across this lovely poem by Ilan Shamir that reminds us about the healing experience of nature: Advice From a Tree Dear Friend Stand Tall and Proud Sink your roots deeply into the Earth Reflect the light of your true nature Think long term. Go out on a limb Remember your place among all living beings Embrace with joy the changing seasons For each yields its own abundance The energy and birth of spring The growth and contentment of summer The wisdom to let go, like leave

Yesterday's post examined shame, how it develops, and how it can make us feel invisible. We also learned that the first step in being able to move past shame is to label it; seeing it as an emotion which doesn't have to be tied to our self-identity. We can begin to transform shame with self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff , a leader in the study of self-compassion, defines it as such: "Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Thin

What is shame and how does it serve us? Shame is a self-conscious emotion; typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self. It also differs from guilt. Shame tends to have deep roots and it typically develops because of early experiences with disconnection . A parent fails to become attuned to their child's emotional needs, the experience of being physically or emotionally abandoned, all acts of abuse. The lack of connection doesn't allow the child to see themsel

In yesterday's post, we explored invalidation and how some commonly used statements are actually not helpful in the moment. Our goal is validation: When we simply allow another person their feelings, when we listen with the intent of trying to understand, we are creating space for their experience: "Would it help to talk about it?" or "Tell me what happened." "Okay," "I see," "Yes," - these are verbal prompts that simply let a person know that you are listening. "How are

We have all experienced the dismissive feeling of invalidation. When we are vulnerable in telling someone how we feel, and their remarks somehow negate or disregard those feelings, we automatically experience a sinking of spirit. This often leads to shutting down and zipping up as we have felt brushed off, denied and rejected. Although a person's remarks may come with good intentions, it is important to understand that these types of remarks skip over the feeling and miss t

This acronym about boundaries comes to us from Nila Conzen, a holistic psychologist from Germany: B - Be true to yourself. O - Only say yes when you mean it. U - Understand that not everyone will be pleased to hear them. N - Never feel guilty for speaking your truth. D - Do not adjust your needs to please others. A - Ask for what you want. (I don't know any mind readers out there.) R - Remember why you set them in the first place. I - Investigate your own needs. E -

Following our post from yesterday, here are some quotes about curiosity: "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." - Albert Einstein "Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will." - James Stephens "Curiosity is the engine of achievement." - Ken Robinson "I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity." - Eleanor Roosevelt "On

You know I am going to like this post as I often speak about the importance of curiosity: Curiosity tempers fear. Most of our fears are perceived - curiosity can help to work away at our worries. Asking ourselves "Does it have to be this way?" is a great start to moving past an engrained fear. So is asking ourselves "Is there another way I can approach this?" Sometimes just giving ourselves permission to imagine a different outcome can begin to work away at our fear - curi