People come to therapy because they are wishing something would change. Sometimes it has to do with someone in their life, sometimes it has to do with themselves; in either case, there are times when we are willing to change, and other times when we have gotten stuck in hoping for change . What is the difference? when we hope for change, we tend to convince ourselves that the future will be different . For example, we may be dissatisfied with a relationship and know that thi

Marianne Williamson says: "In the space of light, darkness disappears. In the space of love, fear disappears." This is simple phrase to remember when we are feeling worried or angry, when we are feeling weighed down. When people are able to bring to light something that has sat in darkness for a long time, they express relief. When we process our worry, we begin to feel more grounded. When we process our anger, we can begin to feel the edges soften. When we choose to act grac

In our last post based on the work of Dr. Paul Gilbert, we look at the Drive System . The Drive System, also known as the Incentive and Resource-Seeking System , is built to help us achieve goals. Its primary function is to motivate us, to provide the incentive for us to accomplish tasks and to seek resources that are going to allow us to survive. Think about our drive to get out of our cozy bed in the morning, the effort we undertake to go for a walk after working all day

Yesterday's post featured the Soothing-Contentment System of emotion regulation according to the work of Dr. Paul Gilbert. Today's post features another system entitled the Threat & Self-Protection System . The main function of this system is to pick up on threats early in order to protect us. This is the system that helps us to survive danger in order to seek safety and will attempt to manage fears. The feelings that are typically associated with this system include anxiety

According to the work of Dr. Paul Gilbert, we have three different systems we use to manage our emotions. These systems are different from each other and yet are designed to work together to help regulate emotion; they include different brain regions and chemistry. This post will begin a three part series in which we examine each of the systems in turn. The Soothing-Contentment System : The main function of this system is to create a system in which we feel the safest.  It i

In an article entitled "Chronic pain can change the way your brain processes emotion, scientists find" by Sophie Scott and Mary Lloyd and featured on ABCNews , we read about a group of Australian researchers who have made an interesting discovery between chronic pain and compromised emotional processing: "Associate professor Sylvia Gustin, found patients with chronic pain had lower levels of a substance called glutamate, a key chemical messenger between brain cells that hel

I came across this little poem about giving by Cleo Wade: Doing What You Can With What You've Got And even when I had not a penny in my pocket, I still knew the joy of giving. I gave my time. I gave my spirit. I gave my heart. I gave myself fully to the moment and even through my tears, I gave my smile to the world - it  needed it more than I could have imagined. Cleo Wade The act of giving has the potential to aid in our journey of healing. When we set aside our own moments

Let's face it - we live in a society that is focused on both happiness and success. Not unworthy goals by any means, but have we gone too far? Has it moved from something attainable to something that feels far away and impossible to achieve? "I just want to be happy" is a statement I hear over and over again in therapy. I am always curious as to what that might mean for someone; what that would look like, how 'being happy' would feel. After exploring it in more detail, we te

When we think about self-care, we often think about the things we do to support and honour ourselves and the time we set aside in order to achieve those tasks. Here is a reminder of some self-care words that, being on our radar, help us to create a satisfying and joyful life: Growth . Are we moving forward? Creating goals for ourselves? The path to progress is movement. Acceptance . Of ourselves; of others. Of knowing that we often can only control our reaction to something

I love this quote by Jo Coudert: "Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose to the question of your life. You are the only answer to the problems of your life. You are the only solution." - Jo Coudert Although it is also a necessary process to be supported by our inner circle of loved ones, it starts with us. When we aim to be our own advocate, strive to rise to challenge, make ourselves important and listen to our instin

In yesterday's post, we looked at the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth one; today's post we look at ways that we can increase your growth mindset: Work at improving your self-esteem . Although this may seem like a big one, it is a worthy goal and there are many ways to improve self-esteem; everything from taking an objective look at your qualities, to therapy, to self-help books or courses designed to create a more accurate self-image. Surround yourself with ot

When we think about our ability to best support our emotional health, we can reflect upon our mindset. Based on the work by Dr. Carol Dweck, we learn that when we have a fixed mindset, we tend to believe that our character, personality and intelligence are innate and static, whereas when we have a growth mindset, we believe that those same qualities can be continuously developed. People with a fixed mindset tend to be self-critical and will avoid challenges. A fixed mindset

We all have an emotional rhythm that is personalized to what we have learned growing up. Although the feelings we experience when faced with certain events are universal in nature (sadness when grieving, anger when unjustified, fear when threatened), the way we process those feelings are very much our own. Some people are able to recognize their emotions quite easily and begin the process of them right away, others may struggle by pushing the emotions away or having the sense

I came across this poem by Victoria Erickson that reminds us that we can design our own life: If you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want gardens, become the gardener. If you want love, embody love. If you want mental stimulation, change the conversations. If you want peace, exude calmness. If you want to fill your world with artists, begin to paint. If you want to be valued, respect your own time. If you want to live ecstatically, find the ecstasy with

Yesterday's post explored the spectrum of emotion when we feel disconnected; vulnerability on one end of the continuum and dominance on the other. When we feel disconnected from ourselves, our loved ones, our community, the first step is to recognize where we are on the spectrum. This allows us to acknowledge our struggle and to set as our goal a desire to find some middle ground. In order to begin to feel connected, we require the use of empathy. When we are either polarizi

There is an inherent value to connection. When we feel connected to ourselves and to others, when we can connect to our spiritual selves, we tend to feel a qualitative difference in the everyday purpose of our lives. We are, after all, social creatures. What happens when disconnection is what we feel instead? It might be with a loved one or friend that we are encountering a rough patch with, it may come in the form of a conflict, it may be an inner wrestling with ourselves. I

In a recent article entitled "5 Tips to Calm a Restless Mind Before Going to Sleep" by Jade Wu and featured on Psychology Today, Wu features some tips for falling asleep that are creative and can use our imagination to help guide our minds into feeling calmer and more settled. Two that I especially found compelling (quoted): Transfer lingering thoughts from your brain to paper. "Your brain is juggling thoughts and working hard to keep them spinning because—goodness forbid—yo

A lovely reminder about the importance of boundaries, set in an effort of self-love: "Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how to use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept." - Anna Taylor I often remark to people that "sometimes we need to teach people how to treat us." This begins and ends with boundaries, both with ourselves (it is okay to say no) and to others (when you let t

Why is communicating so difficult? We tend to feel very nervous when we know a conversation with a loved one is necessary; defaulting to avoidance and convincing ourselves that this issue at work or home is not important or will go away. Sometimes it is that we can't say sorry, or we hesitate in telling others that we love them. Statements that are simple, yet effective at strengthening relationships include: "I'm sorry." "I love you." "Can we talk?" "Thank you." "You were r

I came across this quote by Kim McMillen: "When I loved myself, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving." - Kim McMillen How many times do we fail to see our value? Perhaps we have been in a job or relationship so long, we feel worn away. Perhaps we feel that to leave it means we have failed. I love the line "My judgement called it disloyal; now I see it as self-