There are times when we need to tell someone how we feel. It may not always be the most comfortable conversation, but it is one of the ways that we can honour our own needs in relationship. The "I" statement is a way that we can deliver a message more effectively; it shifts the direction away from blame and instead focuses on how the behaviour or choice of another has made you feel. Examples: "When you consistently show up late for our plans, it makes me feel disrespected."

I came across this quote: "Fortitude...…it means fixity of purpose. It means endurance. It means having the strength to live with what constrains you." - Hilary Mantel Fixity of purpose - what an interesting phrase. It lends us to believe that we have some control over our ability to find strength. Perhaps that process happens slowly, with both time and attention paid to getting through what challenges us. A "one day at a time" type deal, where we gather both strength and cou

Emotions will create action urges; we are often compelled to a behaviour based on the way we are feeling. In order to make a sound decision, we allow logic and reasoning to inform our emotions; a concept known as Wise Mind. Every so often in therapy, I meet clients who rely too much on their logic and they tend to ascribe to black and white thinking. They see things a certain way, and that's that. No amount of trying to bring their attention to another perspective sways them;

Fake it until you make it; this is often a concept we explore in therapy when someone comes in feeling depressed. Depression likes to both isolate and kill effort and sometimes we have to just do things anyway . Accept the invitation, get up and take a shower, walk to the store to pick up a few things. This strategy; however, can be used other times too. Sometimes we want to change an old habit or create a new one; we realize that we are engaging in poor choices, or leaning

Whenever an article comes along about nature, it piques my interest. Not only from a professional perspective, but a personal one as well. I like to say that I do my best thinking when I am walking through the woods. In "Nature's Role in Mental Illness: Prevention or Treatment" by Susan McQuillan and featured on Psychology Today , we read about how researchers at the University of Utah conducted a systematic review of research papers in order to examine the overall effects o

I am reminded by Morgan Harper Nichols that faith in what is to be is an important part of the growing process: “The sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing, and out in the wild you are growing. Days may go by without change you can feel, but what's happening here is most certainly real: You are becoming what you were meant to become out in the wild in the arms of the sun.” ― Morgan Harper Nichols, Storyteller: 100 Poem Letters On days when we experience doubt, let th

People generally come into therapy because they have an issue that has become too big for them. Once an understanding through exploration has been reached, the next step is usually acceptance, and then change. Some people welcome change and they leap into the process; for others the movement is slower, with smaller, more cautious steps. At times, there is resistance; generated perhaps by core beliefs , perhaps by fear, perhaps by engrained patterning or rigid thinking. The t

Sometimes we don't care because we are depressed. Other times, it can come from an inability to properly access feelings or from rigid thinking. It can also be created as a protective layer due to childhood emotional neglect. We see it as a side effect to addiction. In any case, what results is an air of indifference; leaving those in relationship feeling dismissed or disrespected. What is the cost to indifference in a relationship? For the person who is indifferent - isolat

I came across this little quote that reminded me of how we often come to our own internal voices: "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara When we are criticized, we learn to criticize ourselves. When we are praised, we learn to be proud of ourselves. When we are ignored, we learn that we are not important. When we are effectively responded to, we learn that we are important. The way we talk to our children matters. Photo by Ben Wicks on

There are times when a client will say "I am just not going to have any expectations, then I won't get hurt." And although this may sound like a good intention, I am not entirely sure it is the healthiest option. Expectations are tied to eternal hope. When we set out to challenge ourselves or achieve something to better our circumstances, we do so with hope. We desire to see a change and trust it will happen - this is an important part of our planning process and one that is

In our third and final post on this topic, we explore the feeling of joy as an essential feeling for our well-being. We often strive to "be happy." But happiness in this context can mean many different things; for some it comes in achievements or financial success. For others, it might be found in spending time with loved ones, being out in nature, playing sports. For some, happiness comes in moments, for others, it is an underlying feeling. Happiness is often a mix of both

Yesterday we looked at the importance of the feeling of security for our sense of well-being; today we look at the feeling of love. Love comes in many forms - the love we have for our children, our spouse, for our friends and family. Romantic love, committed love, the love we have for our pets, for our departed loved ones. We can often feel love as almost a swelling of our heart. The essence of love; however, is dedication. When we purposefully and intentionally commit ours

There are three feelings, that when present, help to build and create a strong sense of well-being. A feeling of security, a feeling of love and a feeling of joy are essential to not only the foundation of our sense of self, but also to its maintenance. Today we will look at the feeling of security. Rooted in attachment , feeling secure is a cornerstone to our sense of self. When we are consistently parented, in a way that is both stable and attuned to our needs, we are give

I grew up in the 80's and 90's - the era of the landline. A rotary phone, located on the telephone table at the edge of the livingroom. When we were teenagers, and wanted to use the phone to chat with our friends, we pulled it down the hall into the laundry room - only to be told by Dad "not to tie up the phone all night." We had one TV that was in the livingroom - the remote control being the 'big step up' of technology when we were kids. We ate supper as a family, and our e

Neuroscience is teaching us that parts of the brain are instrumental to our emotional health. The limbic system, which is a complex series of networks and nerves in the brain, plays a vital role in our emotional system. Through the help of specific parts, it helps to control basic emotions and drives. Let's get specific: Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) is the front part of our brain and what we often refer to as our rational brain. Built to help us pay attention, the PFC helps us wi

Being in relationship is an invested process. When we begin to examine relationship issues in therapy, I often speak about the fact that our behaviours either feed the health of the relationship, or its dysfunction. The following list are things that feed the dysfunction of the relationship and will lead to issues of mistrust, unease, and general dissatisfaction: Dismissing your partner's feelings. Extreme reactions (of any kind - they lead to mixed messages and drama, both o

In the article "Science of Kindness Shows Just How Important Hugging is for Our Mental and Physical Health" by David Fryburg and featured on goodnews network , we read about some of the benefits of hugging. What I found most interesting were these facts: physical contact is critical for brain development in children. hugging can increase our immunity to infection. hugging is highly associated to lowering blood pressure. receiving a hug increases our levels of oxytocin, the "

Yesterday's post looked at the process of parentification: the process that occurs when children are placed in adult roles far too young. Today we look at steps we can take to re-parent ourselves. Very often, when a parentified child grows up, they follow suit with their childhood dynamic, and end up in a position of constantly taking care of others in their life. This can lead to a build up, to which at one point, they begin to ask themselves "Who am I? What about me? Aren't

I have a client who by the age of 4 was being left alone to care for her two younger siblings. I have another client who has vivid memories of repeatedly having to get his mother to bed after she passed out on the couch from drinking too much. And yet another client who recalls by the age of 7, listening over and over to her mother's financial and relationships problems; noting that by the age of 12 she was doing small chores around the neighbourhood to contribute to the hous

I came across this timeless poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson (who wrote poetry in the 1800's): This is my wish for you; Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips. Sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being. Faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complet