I came across this little quote that reminded me of how we often come to our own internal voices: "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara When we are criticized, we learn to criticize ourselves. When we are praised, we learn to be proud of ourselves. When we are ignored, we learn that we are not important. When we are effectively responded to, we learn that we are important. The way we talk to our children matters. Photo by Ben Wicks on

There are times when a client will say "I am just not going to have any expectations, then I won't get hurt." And although this may sound like a good intention, I am not entirely sure it is the healthiest option. Expectations are tied to eternal hope. When we set out to challenge ourselves or achieve something to better our circumstances, we do so with hope. We desire to see a change and trust it will happen - this is an important part of our planning process and one that is

In our third and final post on this topic, we explore the feeling of joy as an essential feeling for our well-being. We often strive to "be happy." But happiness in this context can mean many different things; for some it comes in achievements or financial success. For others, it might be found in spending time with loved ones, being out in nature, playing sports. For some, happiness comes in moments, for others, it is an underlying feeling. Happiness is often a mix of both

Yesterday we looked at the importance of the feeling of security for our sense of well-being; today we look at the feeling of love. Love comes in many forms - the love we have for our children, our spouse, for our friends and family. Romantic love, committed love, the love we have for our pets, for our departed loved ones. We can often feel love as almost a swelling of our heart. The essence of love; however, is dedication. When we purposefully and intentionally commit ours

There are three feelings, that when present, help to build and create a strong sense of well-being. A feeling of security, a feeling of love and a feeling of joy are essential to not only the foundation of our sense of self, but also to its maintenance. Today we will look at the feeling of security. Rooted in attachment , feeling secure is a cornerstone to our sense of self. When we are consistently parented, in a way that is both stable and attuned to our needs, we are give

I grew up in the 80's and 90's - the era of the landline. A rotary phone, located on the telephone table at the edge of the livingroom. When we were teenagers, and wanted to use the phone to chat with our friends, we pulled it down the hall into the laundry room - only to be told by Dad "not to tie up the phone all night." We had one TV that was in the livingroom - the remote control being the 'big step up' of technology when we were kids. We ate supper as a family, and our e

Neuroscience is teaching us that parts of the brain are instrumental to our emotional health. The limbic system, which is a complex series of networks and nerves in the brain, plays a vital role in our emotional system. Through the help of specific parts, it helps to control basic emotions and drives. Let's get specific: Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) is the front part of our brain and what we often refer to as our rational brain. Built to help us pay attention, the PFC helps us wi

Being in relationship is an invested process. When we begin to examine relationship issues in therapy, I often speak about the fact that our behaviours either feed the health of the relationship, or its dysfunction. The following list are things that feed the dysfunction of the relationship and will lead to issues of mistrust, unease, and general dissatisfaction: Dismissing your partner's feelings. Extreme reactions (of any kind - they lead to mixed messages and drama, both o

In the article "Science of Kindness Shows Just How Important Hugging is for Our Mental and Physical Health" by David Fryburg and featured on goodnews network , we read about some of the benefits of hugging. What I found most interesting were these facts: physical contact is critical for brain development in children. hugging can increase our immunity to infection. hugging is highly associated to lowering blood pressure. receiving a hug increases our levels of oxytocin, the "

Yesterday's post looked at the process of parentification: the process that occurs when children are placed in adult roles far too young. Today we look at steps we can take to re-parent ourselves. Very often, when a parentified child grows up, they follow suit with their childhood dynamic, and end up in a position of constantly taking care of others in their life. This can lead to a build up, to which at one point, they begin to ask themselves "Who am I? What about me? Aren't

I have a client who by the age of 4 was being left alone to care for her two younger siblings. I have another client who has vivid memories of repeatedly having to get his mother to bed after she passed out on the couch from drinking too much. And yet another client who recalls by the age of 7, listening over and over to her mother's financial and relationships problems; noting that by the age of 12 she was doing small chores around the neighbourhood to contribute to the hous

I came across this timeless poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson (who wrote poetry in the 1800's): This is my wish for you; Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips. Sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being. Faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complet

When clients come into therapy with the issue of social anxiety, one of the most common statements I hear is "I am afraid of what people will think of me." It would seem that somewhere along the line, what was incorporated into their core belief system was a fear of judgement, a fear that somehow they weren't going to live up to someone else's expectations. "What happens if I say something stupid?" "I worry that all eyes will be on me." They fret about what they should wear,

There are times when we struggle to understand someone's inability to be intimate; in their levels of affection, in their daily investment in the relationship, in their level of being attuned to our needs. As everything exists on a continuum, as does intimacy. Our ability to be intimate with others, to be vulnerable and open correlates directly with our level of feeling safe. If we don't feel safe in that position, we will maneuver, avoid, step around, shut down. The level

Healthy relationships are about investment. In the article "23 Damn Good Pieces of Marriage Advice All Couples Need to Read" by Fatherly, we read the advice given by therapists and relationship experts as to how to keep a marriage healthy. Here are five that resonated with me: "Remember your commitment. When there is a foundation of caring and love, then you can trust at all times that you will get through whatever difficulties you are facing." -Janet Zinn, LCSW "Be flexible

There are times when we get into a "poor me" or "why me" train of thinking. Sometimes it comes from a lot of stress that we are under, chronic pain can bring it on, or our life circumstances are feeling particularly challenging for whatever reason. And although it is perfectly okay to recognize and accept that this is the way we are feeling, we must be cautious not to stay there. Defeatist thinking tends to create a cycle that can lead to feeling stuck, and if we give the "po

What often happens in therapy is that people are able, through exploration, to see the other side of the story. Sometimes we are just too invested in only one side and it becomes clouded by that judgment. I came across a poem that is a wonderful example of this phenomenon. Written by Abdullah Shoiab , it is entitled Pretty Ugly: Pretty Ugly I’m very ugly So don’t try to convince me that I am a very beautiful person Because at the end of the day I hate myself in every single w

I recently worked with a client on identifying her "layers of connection." As a relationship species, we rely on connection to others to feel whole. Connection; however moves out in layers. First, we have the people in our lives that we would consider to be a part of our inner circle; those are generally our partners, our children, our siblings, parents, best friends. These are what we would consider the first layer and are the people we are most deeply connected to. These a

I came across this quote by Abraham Lincoln: "I am a slow walker, but I never walk back." - Abraham Lincoln What a nice little reminder that the speed to which we have movement forward is not what matters. Some people can illicit structural change in leaps and bounds; there are times when our "aha" moments lead us to instantly begin doing things differently. Sometimes the movement; however, is slower. There are patterns that need to be broken, new habits that need to be forme

We are a relationship species with an inherent need to attach. When we are loved unconditionally (by even just one person), we feel safe and secure and free to be ourselves. Attachment is often what drives us to seek approval, gain acceptance and it is often at the base of wanting to be liked. When we are able to love unconditionally, we are able to create an environment for our loved ones that include stability, consistency and attunement. The elements of stability and cons