We have all heard that connection is an essential component to our well-being. Here are five facts about connection that can help to understand and solidify its importance: Human connection leads to a longer life span . When we are socially connected, we tend to be less lonely and isolated. This can add years to our life. Connection leads to greater fulfillment . When we feel joy and meaning in our experiences, it increases the feel good hormone of dopamine. Lower levels of a

How do we buy into something, and how do we know when our commitment (or someone else's) is solid? I suppose one way to know is to examine the varying degrees of commitment. First we have compliance ; defined as the action or fact of complying with a wish or command .  Sometimes compliance simply comes by way of obligations - to our job, to running a household, etc. Sometimes it is met with some resistance - think of our teenager and our requirement that they keep their room

Being in limbo is a difficult place to be. We tend to like direction, feel better when we sense movement. If the circumstances of our lives create for us a time of limbo, perhaps one of the ways we can cope is to begin to see this time as the 'space between.' The ending of a relationship, the loss of a job. The process of grief and our year of firsts. The summer before we enter college, the unknowns associated with just about anything. We often struggle with limbo; leanin

There are always going to be things that end up not being in our control. Situations where our hands are tied and we are darned if we do and darned if we don't. What is in our control are the situations in which we tie our own hands; ones that we can recognize really aren't getting us anywhere at the end of the day. Some examples include: People pleasing. When we say yes automatically without asking ourselves if we have the time, energy and support to do so, we bind ourselve

I love this passage by Yung Pueblo: the biggest shift in your life happens when you go inward. you step in and observe all that you find with acceptance; the love you bring lights up your self-awareness; you start seeing how the past is packed into your mind and heart -  patience, honesty, and observation start the healing process. with time, intention, and good healing practices, the past loses its power over your life. you continue the process - stepping in, feeling,  under

Sometimes we just need a minute or two to re-set our system. Perhaps we have been triggered by something that is upsetting, we may feel anxious about a ruminating thought or worry, we may be riled up because of something someone said or did. We know that anything delivered calmly is going to carry more weight than when it is delivered with too much emotion. Here are some ways that we focus on the re-set, in order to find our pause: Focus on your breath. It is something that w

In our last post in this series on codependency, we look at how to create a healthier space in relationships so as to lessen codependent habits. It is important to note that when trying to create a healthier relationship, both parties have to be on board. If only one person is doing the work to create structural change, it is not effective. In many circumstances, the only choice that remains is to leave a codependent relationship. When we notice that codependency might be

Yesterday we looked at the definition of codependency in relationships and the impact that it can have on both our sense of self and the relationship itself. Anyone can become codependent; the first step in moving towards a healthier way of being is through work on the self. The tendency to become codependent can come from childhood; if you had an alcoholic parent, you probably learned some enabling behaviours from family members; perhaps you were also parentified by your

The term codependency is heard often when describing an unhealthy relationship. But what is codependency and how can we move towards a healthier way of interacting with our loved ones? This series on codependent relationships will attempt to answer those questions. We first learned of codependency in addiction literature. It referred to the unhealthy dynamic that exists between the addict and their partner/loved one, in which there was a taking care of to the point of enabl

The following passage was found on a post from Youth Mental Health Canada: "Hello, my name is Jack Linklater Jr. I live in Attawapiskat, Ontario. I am Cree and proud to be. I live along the James Bay shorelines, the lowlands of the Mushkegowuk territory. My message to you if you're having a hard time: Look to the tree, as it shows you to stand tall and proud. Look to the rock, as it shows you the strength you need. Look to the river as it shows you to keep moving forward in l

When I first read this quote by Eckhart Tolle, I paused. And then I said "Yes." "What a liberation to realize that the 'voice in my head' is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that." - Eckhart Tolle We can be so bound by our thoughts. Because they can also be very automatic and instant, we believe them. When exploring automatic thoughts in therapy, it is important to go back - most of the time, our thoughts are linked to core beliefs formed in childhood. Because we

When we work in jobs where we sit for periods of time, only to come home and plunk ourselves down on the couch to watch TV, we probably are not contributing enough time to the concept of movement. Here are some things to keep in mind: Movement is 'meditation in motion .' I don't remember where I heard that phrase, but it is so true. My daily walks are my thinking time; I do my best processing out on the trail. Exercise increases improved focusing. Images of the brain before

Sometimes it is nice to simply learn five fun facts about something. Today's topic? Boredom : Boredom is described as the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest. Feeling bored is a common feeling and at times, is unavoidable. Boredom is the psychological feeling of missing something. We often mistake feeling bored for feeling empty; this can lead us to looking for something to 'fill ourselves.' Boredom is also linked to control. If we feel we don't have c

This lovely passage is by Nikki Banas and it is entitled "Always Gentle:" Always Gentle My beautiful friend, be gentle with yourself and your soul...Be kind to yourself when you feel like you've failed or when you feel like you just can't get things right. Know that your mistakes only feel big right now, but soon they'll just be little moments of the past. And also know that they don't define your future; you can still grow and become in every way that you want to.... Be ge

The definition of gaslighting is: to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Essentially, it is a rewriting of events to convince someone they happened a certain way. The term comes from  a 1938 stage play called Gaslight (and two film adaptations), in which a husband attempts to convince his wife of her own insanity by dimming the lights in their home (powered by gas), then denies that the lights change when the wife asks him about them.

We live in a society where we are over-committed and over-consumed. Where the amount of likes we get on social media has the power to affect our mood, where we strive for the 'next best thing,' where we function at a pace that eventually brings us to that place where we are simply going through the motions. We are much better served to create a balance - for our calendar, our time, for what we spend our money on. Here are some things to consider: “Simplicity is not about depr

It really isn't difficult to have negative thoughts. We all have a negative bias based on our survival brain, we have core beliefs from childhood, and depending on our circumstances, we may be feeling crummy which can lead to bleak or defeatist thoughts. By why is it so important to keep them in check? Because when we give negative thoughts too much attention, we run the risk of misperceiving ourselves and our loved ones.  Our core beliefs fight for space; they ultimately

If you are a regular reader of my blog, by now you have heard me say many times that we are a relationship species. We also thrive on healthy connections with our loved ones; our sense of security is directly linked to those connections. Dr. John Gottman has coined the term bids for connection as 'turning towards' your partner. When we make an emotional bid to our loved ones, we are attempting to connect. Both giving and accepting the bid fills our emotional bank account. W

There was a time in psychology, where the idea was that if we vented our anger, it would be cathartic. Punching pillows while screaming, couples being guided in therapy to hitting each other with foam noodles , a 'timed' argument where you could angrily vent everything that made you cross about the person in front of you. It was believed that anger needed to be expressed, and doing so would create a cathartic release. Does this actually work? Anger is an emotion that elicits

Sometimes we get the feeling that we just aren't thinking clearly. We may know that we need to change something, we may instinctively know what is good for us, but we seem to lack the full clarity necessary to understand what is holding us back. Two things that will get in the way of clarity: Self-limiting beliefs. Nothing will hold you back faster than the poor me cycle . Believing that you can never get ahead, wondering why you can never catch a break, lamenting as to your