top of page
Search

The Boundaries We Seek

westchamplainfht
Feb 8, 2021
2 min read

Sometimes our breakups end well, amicably. Sometimes when we decide that we can no longer have a person in our lives and we put boundaries into place, they are respected. Sometimes this is not the case, and the person with whom we have asked for some space persistently pursues, sometimes to the point of manipulation, abuse, and attempts to coerce. When we have an ex or a fallen out loved one who begins to relentlessly text, you can almost guarantee a mixed bag of messages - apology texts to the point of begging, angry texts that are meant to punish, manipulative texts that infer that suicide might be a possibility. Sometimes you hear nothing for weeks, only to wake up to a barrage of texts in the morning. Phone calls out of nowhere. It is through our boundary setting and consistent response that we can begin to feel as though we have some control in what is intrusive:

  • Decide that you won't play the game; that you won't get pulled in. Our own emotions often get in the way of our rational decision to end the relationship; allow the facts of the relationship to be present when our naturally driven, 'hopeful' thoughts come into play.

  • Remain consistent with your message. If you have to have contact because of shared children or you attend the same family events, be cautious of the emotional nature of your communication. Switch to text or email only if the phone calls tend to go sideways; only answer the factual parts of the message.

  • If you no longer need to have this person in your life, consider blocking their avenues to contact you. So often, I hear from clients that they "feel bad" doing this. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be necessary if the person was respecting the space you have asked for.

  • If they threaten suicide, call 911 and report it. It is not our place to try and guess if the person is serious about the attempt or trying to manipulate. By calling 911, it moves it out of your hands.

  • If the behaviours towards you increase and you begin to worry about your safety, report it to the police.

It is important to recognize that the patterns that make up relationships are still present even after the relationship has ended. If your ex or family member disagrees with the separation they may be consciously and subconsciously working hard to maintain the dynamic. Recognizing that is what allows us to consistently maintain our own boundaries; to build our seawalls when the storms are surging. Like this post? Consider subscribing! Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@jodaarba

Comments

Land Acknowledgement

The West Champlain Family Health Team acknowledges it is located upon the traditional and unceded territory of the Algonquin People and respects the traditional knowledge and healing developed over generations. We have the privilege and responsibility to serve First Nations, Inuit, and Métis of many backgrounds and from many treaty and non-treaty lands and territories, and to demonstrate respect for the contributions and cultures of Indigenous Peoples.

 

Iye West Champlain Family Health Team ogíkikenindánáwá taniziwadj ondaje Algonquin Anishinábe tanakíwin ega ka mígiwewadj iyo kichi Anishinábewakí ashidj odapítenindánáwá kikádjichigewin ashidj mino nódjimowin ka pamíkán pinawígo. Nínawind d’ayánánán shawenimigoziwin ashidj inenindágoziwin kidji wídókáwadag Anishinábeg, Abitawizíg ashidj Kíwedinóg máneg wendjibáwadj ashidj níbina nakondiwin ashidj ega akíng ashidj tanakíwinan ashidj kidji wábandayá apítenindagoziwin ondji ka mígiwewadj ashidj pimádjiwowinan ogo Anishinábeg Pemádizidjig.

 

The West Champlain Family Health Team is grateful to the Indigenous Health Circle (which works in collaboration with The Algonquins of Pikwàkanagàn and the Ottawa Valley Ontario Health Team) for sharing a meaningful land acknowledgement both in English and Omámíwininímowin (the Algonquin Anishinábe language), which is the basis of our own.

© 2023 by West Champlain FHT

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube
bottom of page