I guess the most neutral answer is that it depends. Sometimes our stubbornness can be a productive tool in moving forward in our goals - especially if we have had setbacks that threaten to get us off track. Sometimes in our values, there is a determined air that keeps us from making choices that may be unhealthy. Being stubborn; however can also at times proves troublesome. If we are too rigid in our thinking and we try to 'force' an issue, or someone's choice in a matter, w

When we are anxious about something, we tend to worry. Sometimes we 'worst-case scenario' our worries, other times we spend time ruminating through something endlessly; we can also have the tendency to over think everything. Over-thinking and anxiety work hand in had to keep us stalled. Self-doubt and fear combine to put us in a position of not being able to make a decision; it binds us to a state of limbo and opportunities may pass us by. The tendency to over-think may be a

I came across this lovely quote by Laura Jean Truman emphasizing how we can be there to support someone: You can't heal the people you love. You can't make choices for them. You can't rescue them. You can promise that they won't journey alone. You can loan them your map. But this trip is theirs. Be gentle with yourself - it's hard work to be present to the freedom of the other.  Laura Jean Truman When we try and save someone, it never works. I especially appreciate the line "

In Hawaiian culture, the Native people have often relied on specific concepts that, when followed and appreciated, lead them to lives of contentment.  The concepts include: Mana : is the spiritual energy of power and strength that both people and objects possess. It is a life energy that people can influence; the choices made can either strengthen mana or take it away. Living a life of meaning, being modest, building and maintaining relationships and giving back to others or

I love the work of Morgan Harper Nichols; her poetry and quotes resonate with resilience and courage. I came across this one which speaks to the lovely quality of grace: "Grace will meet you in the wildness." - Morgan Harper Nichols There are countless times that I have used the saying "Take the high road." I have said it to myself, to my children, to clients, to family, to friends. Our challenges can often pull us into places that we feel out of control or with little power.

We all have insecurities. Sometimes they are ones that developed in our childhood, sometimes they can be circumstantial. We can have insecurities about the way we look, a skill that we lack, the way we parent, our abilities at work. Our insecurities can be tied to our sense of esteem or confidence, and they can be long lasting or fleeting. In any case, insecurities tend to take the lead. When feeling vulnerable, we often let our insecurity speak the loudest: "There is no way

In our last post about Emotional Intelligence, we look at the fifth component of EI: Social Skills . When we think about social skills in the context of emotional intelligence, it is about the art of being able to effectively communicate with others, being influenced by both your emotions and your ability to read into what other people are feeling. Social skills include being able to convey our point of view while respecting someone else's, being able to manage conflict, bein

Moving right along in our series about emotional intelligence, today's post features the fourth component: Empathy.   Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others; it is about being aware of or being sensitive to another person's emotions even, at times when it is not being fully communicated. When we have good empathy skills, we can imagine what it would feel like to put ourselves in someone else's shoes - it is a vicarious experiencing of the feelings. How

People who have emotional intelligence also tend to possess Motivation - the third component of EI, and topic of today's post. If we are constantly distracted by our emotions, we may find it difficult to see tasks through to completion. When our emotional brain makes decisions for us, we can de-rail from our goals,  reinforcing self-defeat, and feelings of failure.  When we have self-awareness and are able to regulate our emotions; however, we are free to move forward in ou

Yesterday's post looked at the first component of Emotional Intelligence; Self-Awareness. Today's post looks at Self-Regulation. When we begin to have a greater understanding of our own emotions, we can begin to manage our emotions more efficiently, which leads to feeling capable and self-confident when it comes to controlling our emotional response. Some ways that we can build emotional self-regulation skills include: Taking a pause . When emotions begin to feel out of con

When we possess emotional intelligence, we tend to have a good understanding of our emotions. We are aware of how we feel, are able to control our emotions when necessary, and can express our emotions to others. A strong EI (also called EQ) tends to make us good listeners, as we apply the same awareness of emotions to others as we do to ourselves. Daniel Goleman is a psychologist and author of the 1995 book "Emotional Intelligence." He created five components of EI that he

Yesterday's post defined Imposter Syndrome; today's post looks at ways that we can begin to challenge those pervasive thoughts. Because Imposter Syndrome is defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that tend to persist despite evidence of success , one of the ways we can begin to challenge the underlying fraudulent feelings is to focus on the evidence of success. We can begin by writing down our accomplishments both at home and at work as a way to objectively view o

We all have moments of self-doubt. Sometimes those thoughts come into play when we are feeling insecure about something, or our confidence is down. Imposter syndrome, however tends to be more pervasive. It is defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that tend to persist despite evidence of success. In other words, if you often think "Eventually, someone is going to figure out the real me and see me for who I am," you may have imposter syndrome. It is about the inabi

When it comes to our emotions, we are best served to feel them as they come; with no judgment or criticism. There are moments where we may feel rejected; there are moments where we may feel surprised. We may feel sad or joyful. Perhaps we feel irritated or angry. Our feelings are meant to be and we must simply scooch over and offer them a seat beside us. When we are grieving, it is a feeling that envelops us. It will often come in waves; it can feel raw and untethered. It ca

I came across this poem by Danielle Doby: Ripples. When you create a difference in someone's life, you not only impact their life, you impact everyone influenced by them throughout their entire lifetime. No act is ever too small. One by one, that is how to make an ocean rise. - Danielle Doby We may not ever know how our small acts of kindness can impact another person. Best to err on the side of caution and throw out as many as we possibly can. :) Photo by Koen Emmers on Un

We often speak about boundaries and how important they are in establishing. Sometimes we need to set expectations in our relationships, or at work. Sometimes we need to set boundaries when it comes to saying no, or when we realize that we are not being treated in a way that is respectful. Clients will often talk about knowing that they need to set boundaries, but struggle with how to say it. This post is all about the how; following are examples of what boundaries can sound

In yesterday's post we learned what ego states are and why they are important to our understanding of the choices that we sometimes automatically make.  We learned about child ego states where we end up feeling small, and parent ego states, where we seek to feel powerful. Essentially, neither one of these ego states is where we want to stay - we may land there in default, but it is important for us to recognize how we are feeling and pull out of it. A good gauge to assess wh

I like to say that within us there are many different parts. And when we are feeling good, confident, and strong, those parts work together like a well-oiled machine. When we are feeling vulnerable; however, some of those parts begin to work independently of each other, or can come into conflict within ourselves. The psychological definition we use for describing these parts are ego states . Everybody has them and we all experience them. We tend to shift into an ego state wh

Perhaps one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to 'give ourselves permission.' Very often, we are held back in our growth as our patterns or associations have cemented habits, beliefs or attitudes that are no longer serving us. We are in a much better position to ask ourselves "Does it have to be this way?" From there, we can begin the gentle process of giving ourselves permission to: Look at something in a different perspective. To heal. To ask for help

There are times when we have to slow down our thought process enough to avoid saying something we end up regretting. Very often, an emotion gets in the way of acting rationally and we end up following the action urge instead of our logical brain (which shows up after the emotion has passed.) Sometimes our concerns for others can come out it ways that appear critical or harsh. I came across this acronym which can help us to think about what we wish to say in any given situati