Building from yesterday's post in which we looked at some key steps to managing difficult emotions, today we look at the "0 to 60" response. Very often, people will remark that they can't control their emotions- that when they feel something, their need to act on it is immediate. That might be anger by means of a quick or short temper, fear - which can produce a panic attack or immediate tears when triggered to something sad or overwhelming. As we touched on yesterday, every

We all have them - difficult emotions. Sometimes the struggle is with anger, sometimes it is with fear, or shame, or deep sadness. The difficulty is often in what feels uncontrollable; a reaction that feels out of our grasp and all-consuming. But we can learn to help control and contain difficult emotions. The first step is to simply begin to be aware of your emotions . It is to understand that it is not the feeling that gets you into trouble. Every feeling that you have is

This meme came to my attention: An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be. - Jay Shetty To me, there is two levels of truth to these words. The first, is about security. When we feel secure in ourselves, we are able to recognize not only the role we play in interactions, situations and experiences, but

Some people call it karma - the idea that 'what goes around comes around.' Other people prefer to look at it as the Golden Rule - 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' We can also look at it from a scientific perspective with Newton's Law of Effect which states that 'for every action, there exists an equal and opposing reaction.' Regardless of how we like to understand the process of cause and effect, through experience we begin to become open to the idea that

In our third and final post about assertivness, we look to being heard. To be honest, this is a tricky one.  Sometimes we do so much work on finding our courage to voice our opinion, or tell someone how we feel, that we make an automatic assumption that the person we talk to about our needs is going to respond accordingly. And that doesn't always happen. As a result, we can feel deflated and ask ourselves, "Why even bother?' The fact is, you can't change another person and s

Building on yesterday's post and the description given to us about assertiveness by Dr. Jonice Webb, we can break down the two individual parts to the definition: "Assertiveness is: Speaking up for yourself — in a way that the other person can hear."  (As a note: although this definition of assertiveness was pulled from the article I cited in yesterday's blog post, the rest of this post is my writing only.) The first part of that statement refers to the process of finding o

In an article entitled, "Why is it So Hard to Be Assertive? 5 Skills You Learn" by Dr. Jonice Webb , she writes about the importance of knowing the true meaning of assertiveness. I quote: "Why is it so hard to be assertive? There are some very good reasons why it’s such a struggle for so many.The first reason is that lots of people think they know exactly what assertiveness is, but they actually only know half of the definition. That missing half makes a huge difference. Ass

We like to say in therapy that it's about "doing the work." The understanding piece is important in getting there; so is self-reflection; but at some point we have to roll up our sleeves and dig in. Here are five ways to know if you're doing the work: Not immediately placing blame when reacting to something . This means you are taking the time to evaluate how you reacted, why you are having that response, and how you want to move forward in dealing with situation. Creating ne

I came across this writing by Brianna Wiest: "Of all the things you can clean and fix in your life, fear is not one of them. It will always be there, a gentle humming undercurrent to whatever it is you do. It can be loud or it can be soft. You can try to hold it back or you can learn to coexist with it, to nod to it as you pull away from the shore. You cannot cleanse yourself from fear, nor should you. It's how you learn to live in spite of it, the mental strength you develo

In our concluding post on things to consider for the new year, we take a look at being accountable to ourselves. We often hear that healing begins with us; that true growth comes internally, that structural change comes from within. And yet we have a natural tendency to seek change externally; we look to be validated by others, we turn to external things to soothe ourselves, we convince ourselves that in order to love ourselves, another must love us first. Being accountable

One thing that tends to be something worth considering when it comes to our emotional health is the ability to decipher what is ours to carry . We are a relationship species and our attachment system, as a result, creates a need in us to be accepted. Our natural tendency to want to fix something, the lessons we learn growing up about being responsible for other people's feelings or problems, people-pleasing behaviours - they all have the ability to contribute to the feeling t

Moving right along in our series on things to consider in the new year, today we explore being conscious of our energy . Part of living a balanced life is to be able to pay attention not only to our phsyical energy level, but to our emotional energy as well. When we worry and ruminate, when we over-extend ourselves, when we don't get enough sleep, or we put ourselves in a position of saying yes without thought, we are depleting ourselves. Some things to consider when being co

Yesterday's post looked at the importance of the pause. In our series on things to consider for the new year, today we will explore the idea of letting go of good versus bad language . Humans have a natural tendency to be too hard on ourselves; as a result, we will often categorize things as good or bad. By placing choices in categories, we automatically invite judgement to do its damage. Being able to accept when we make mistakes and move towards repair without automatic goo

Although New Year's Resolutions are a very individual choice, perhaps one way to welcome in the new year is to consider adopting some habits that will benefit our emotional wellness. In a series of posts, let us consider these important tips for creating balance and remaining grounded. Today's post is about the importance of the pause.  We live in a fast paced, success driven world. We often move from one task to another, we have way too much on our plates, and we feel obli

Happy New Year! On this day I would like to share with you my favourite quote of all time. I believe that we have guides in life that show up when we need them to - sometimes they come in the form of a person, they may come in the form of an experience, book, movie, or podcast episode. They can be life-changing or found in the ordinary, yet they made a difference to the way you see yourself or the world around you. This quote struck a chord with me when I was watching the m

A new year always brings with it a sense of renewal - a time to reflect on the year just past and a look forward to the year ahead. That might include goals and a re-setting of things if you will, or it can bring with it a quiet and reflective place, meant to simply focus on what is in front of us on any given day. I came upon this quote by T.S. Eliot that sums up the turning of a new year in a lovely and poetic way: For last year's words belong to last year's language.  And

Yesterday's post talked about why we might appease someone. Once we recognize that this might be a part of how we communicate, we can begin to work on healthier strategies. Here are 5 tips on how to potentially stop appeasing people: Recognize that you have a choice. If we are appeasing others because we fear their rejection, or worry that they will be angry at us, it often feels that we don't have a choice. Reality tells us we do. The moment we moved into adulthood we becam

There are times when we take the high road. We may choose to not say something or to wait it out; times when we weigh our options and recognize that not responding is the optimal response. There are times when we choose to remain passive; and when we do, we usually know in our gut that we probably should have said something, or set a boundary. As a result of our passivity, we have most likely sacrified at our own expense. There are times when we appease. This is when we paci

The word siesta is Spanish and originates from Latin meaning "the sixth hour." Counting down from dawn, we hit the sixth hour at noon, signalling the "mid-day rest." Although it originated in Spain, many Latin American countries have carried on the tradition with the midday meal being the biggest one, followed by a 15 to 30 minute nap. Still a practice in Spain, many businesses will close between 2 and 4 pm as this is a gathering time for families to connect and take a break

What does it mean to 'hold space' for another person? Sometimes a loved one comes to us with their challenges or their concerns. Sometimes it can be about something we may have done that has upset them; other times they may be sharing an experience outside of their relationship to us. Essentially, when we hold space for someone, our intention is to be present and invested to their experience . 3 ways to achieve this include: Place your intention in listening as to understand