When we look at family dynamics and what is healthy versus what is unhealthy, one way to do that is through the perspective of whether or not the family works from the position of a closed system or an open one. Today's post will look at the closed system and how it affects the relationships within it. If you come from a closed family system, here are some of its characteristics: Conformity to the system is required . Both for the spoken and unspoken rules, members of the fa

There are times when we linger over the concept of purpose. We get wrapped up in what we feel will make us happy, the greater meaning in our life. We can often get to a place where our priorities and the demands or expectations of others are unbalanced. Sometimes in our quest for feeling grounded or settled, perhaps it requires going back to basics: "Uncommon Advice: If you don't know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest,

Sometimes when we are feeling stuck, we tend to lean into some defense strategies in order to avoid an inner truth. We will talk around an issue, find excuses, sometimes we project our problems or insecurities onto others, we stay so busy we don't have time to think about it. We resist. Avoidance allows us to stay at the surface. It allows us to stay away from something painful, it protects us from feeling rejected, hurt. It attempts to keep uncertainty at bay. It prevents

A timeless quote that always resonates: "Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path." - Unknown When we are in the midst of a storm, we are often preoccupied. We are focused on what is happening outside, we are at times anxious, wondering if we should be taking greater shelter, we are focused on the unknowns and we worry about the aftermath. When we are challenged by a storm in our own life, we often focused on the unanswered question of "why?" Th

Appreciation is about value. It is that to which we recognize that something or someone holds an invested place in our life. Sometimes it comes with a sense of awe - the brilliant colours of the sun rising over water, the luminous effect of a full moon or a sky full of stars, the reassuring presence of moutains in the distance. Sometimes it comes with a sense of wonder - the marvel and intricate system that makes up our body, the feeling we get when a 'coincidence' moves to

There are times when our internal dialogue works against us. Sometimes this comes in the form of our core beliefs , but other times it can come from our thinking styles. For someone with anxiety, two common thinking traps tend to have the capacity to influence and reinforce their anxious mind: Catastrophising : the tendency to magnify the situation; to blow things out of proportion. This is really the "what if" kind of thinking that can lead someone into a loop of rumination,

As we get better at understanding and processing our emotions, we also begin to realize that sometimes we need to say something to another person about how they made us feel, and sometimes we choose not to. Sometimes, the choice to take the high road is the one that presents to us as the healthier option. Here are some general guidelines as to when to take the high road: if your attempt to communicate is falling on deaf ears. If repeated attempts are not working, perhaps den

I love this quote by Morgan Harper Nichols: "A restful approach to restless uncertainty provides strength and endurance for the rest of the journey." - Morgan Harper Nichols Very often, we seek rest at the end of our day. Our work and home duties completed, kids off to bed, we sink into the couch for a good dose of Netflix, catch up with a friend, relax with a book, take a bath. We reward ourselves with rest. But what about the days that catch up to us? What about the stres

There are times when we may suppress emotion. Sometimes that is a learned behaviour from childhood - becoming the favoured way of dealing with things; other times we may avoid recognizing our emotions and we use our defense mechanisms (like avoidance) in order to not have to deal with a painful event. In any event, when we suppress emotion we run the risk of: building resentment . If you are unable to tell someone how you feel, this may build resentment. This type of under th

Maya Angelou was a civil rights activist and celebrated author. She is someone that naturally exuded grace, simplicity and wisdom. Here are three of my favourite quotes (although it was very hard to choose only three, so I squeezed an extra one in!): "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better" - Maya Angelou "I've learned that people will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them fee

As I often note, everything exists on a continuum. The same can be said for narcissistic behaviour; if it goes to far, it can develop into a disorder. Unfortunately, if you are dating someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, you will most likely be left in their dust, as they require a whole lot of time and attention and often have difficulty giving it back. Here are some traits that tend to be narcissistic in nature and can lead to you wondering if you are dealing with a na

I came across this quote: "When I finally let go of having to totally control everything around me and let my life unfold, I was stunned by the results. How could I have ever thought I could outsmart the universe?" - Geri Larkin Sometimes our anxiety or fears can lead us to over control. If we can just get everything tickety-boo with no room for error, all will be fine. But not all of our paths are straight. Sometimes they are narrow and crooked, sometimes we have hills to cl

In a past blog post, I spoke about the difference between a reaction and a response. Our reactions tend to be immediate - based more on the action urges that come as a result of our feelings, whereas a response tends to be more mindful. A reaction stays in the emotion brain, a response allows the rational brain to chime in. The window of slowing down between a reaction and a response is the pause. It is that moment of recognition that things could go sideways fast - words

In an article entitled "Dancing can reverse the signs of aging in the brain" by Frontiers and featured on Medical Xpress , we read about a study out of Germany that looked at the benefits of exercise in the elderly to determine what type of effect it can have on the brain: "Exercise has the beneficial effect of slowing down or even counteracting age-related decline in mental and physical capacity," says Dr Kathrin Rehfeld, lead author of the study, based at the German center

For anyone living with chronic pain, they are forever challenged by the fact that try as they might - taking medications on time, getting the right amount of sleep and exercise, eating healthy - if pain decides to take over on any given day, they get bumped out of the driver's seat. The dissonance that gets created as a result, lies not in the fact that you are having a pain day, but rather that you had expectations for the day. If we can't get done what we had planned, or g

The choices that we make in a relationship are either going to help feed the health of a relationship or the dysfunction of it. In our last post about healthy relationships, I would like to talk about behaviour. In any couple union, we are two individuals within a dyad. Although it is important that individual interests are respected within the relationship, the behaviours you choose are better served through the eyes of the relationship. Some examples of behaviours that fee

Yesterday we looked at communication and what that looks like in a healthy relationship. Today, the big word is investment. When a relationship is healthy, there is a general sense that both people are invested in the relationship. We can see this in the following ways: Respect. When two people care about the relationship, they are interested in their spouse's wishes, feelings and opinions. They are able to respect each other's privacy, not want to purposefully hurt their f

One of the things we often want in a relationship is good communication. But what does that really mean? Consistency. When communication is healthy, there is consistency. Texts are answered in a fairly timely matter and communication routines get set over time (chatting over dinner about your day, phone call at lunch, daily contact when one is away, etc.) When consistency exists in communication, we are not left in a position of guessing and we can begin to count on our part

I love this quote by Og Mandino: "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino I often remind clients that we learn just as much about ourselves from what hurts us as from what loves us. This quote by Mandino can remind us that although we strive to feel light, to make our choices and goals line up for movement and growth, to design our lives with a focus on meaning and purpose, we can also not deny

When I was going through an especially tough time in my life, I was given the lovely advice that "grace builds upon nature." At first I was not entirely sure I knew what it meant, but I also knew that it was relevant to what I was going through at the time. Since then, I have reflected upon that advice many times; I have used it with clients, and I continue to say it to myself when I feel I need a gentle reminder. I believe our true nature to be good. I also believe that whe