Is not something you say to a people-pleaser. The thought of “just saying no” tends to work against every grain of their reinforced and automatic response of saying yes. That being said, when we always say yes, we put ourselves in a position of not being important; we have negated our own needs and the flexibility required in order to honour what works for us. Ultimately, in order to move to a healthier position, we need to give ourselves permission to reflect on whether or

In an article entitled "How I Stopped Chasing Happiness and Started Enjoying My Imperfect Life" by Mai Pham, featured on tinybuddha, Mai explores the assumption that achievement equals happiness. She talks about her own experience of having set goals, often driven to perfection, and upon achieving those goals felt ordinary when she expected to feel extraordinary. She noted "I blamed my achievements for my dissatisfaction—that they were not tremendous enough for me to feel hap

Anxiety is not dangerous . Can it feel threatening? Sure it can; our fears often take over and it makes us feel as though we have no control. We call this thought process “catastrophic or worst-case scenario thinking” which at times, if left to its own devices, can lead to obsessive ruminating and/or a panic attack. But even panic attacks are not harmful or dangerous to us, even though they may feel that way. Although there certainly is research that shows that chronic stres

Often times when a client is faced with an issue that they are struggling with, we will explore the concept of “Can I change it, accept it or leave it?” Many people have trouble accepting what they are unhappy with (which is often what has led them to therapy in the first place) and so they are bound somewhere in the process of trying to change it. I have come to learn that out of those three choices, it tends to be in our human nature to try to change something first. Ver

For some people the beginning of fall is a time of melancholy; a settling in of a quieter, sometimes low or even depressed mood. Known as the grey months, the changing of summer to fall can often trigger a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD usually begins and ends at the same time each year, leaving you feeling less energetic and increasingly moody. The days are shorter, we see less of the sun and everything feels a bit duller. For other people, fall i

In a podcast I was recently listening to entitled "The Hilarious World of Depression with John Moe," he was interviewing comedian Andy Richter about his experience with lifelong depression. I appreciated Andy's description in terms of the weight of depression and how it can exist despite what he would consider a good life, and how the hopelessness of this mental illness can be invasive, regardless of what is going on in your world at the time. At one point, John asked him "I

When my sister and I were kids we spent hours outside; we had snow forts in the winter, tree forts in the summer and had nicknames for all of the places we would choose to play in; "the big rock, the little pond, the big pond, the tracks." There was no limit to time when we were fully immersed in the games we were playing and we came home with a freshness to our cheeks and grass stains on our jeans (or massive snow balls on our mitts and hats!) There is something about being

Is a fun way to remind ourselves that we feel more at peace when we can live with as little drama as possible. In our final post of "The Drama Triangle" by Stephen Karpman, we look at how to move away from drama by way of first recognizing the roles we are playing in the conflict and then moving towards a more productive and healthy goal. If we notice that we are in persecution mode, our goal becomes to move to clearer structure. It is about asking ourselves, "What is my r

Moving right along in our discussion about "The Drama Triangle" by Stephen Karpman, M.D., today we look at the role of the Rescuer . There is a fine line between supporting someone and saving them; and when we go into rescue mode, we have moved into a need to save . This need is about us, and feels quite personal; often times it will eventually work itself into some built-up resentment when we realize that the person we are trying to help is either not taking our advice or c

In our exploration of "The Drama Triangle" by Stephen Karpman, M.D. , today we are looking another role, that of the Victim . Sometimes we learn in our lifetime to live as a victim; we have difficulty taking care of ourselves and turn to others constantly for that care. Other times, we feel victimized to a certain situation or relationship; in either case, the feelings are the same . If we are feeling victimized, we begin to feel helpless, hopeless and sometimes oppressed. We

Although I feel most people would agree that they don't want drama in their lives, sometimes the conflict that occurs in our relationships or at work, pulls us right into the theatrics of the situation and leaves us feeling lost and overwhelmed. A tool that I often use in therapy is called "The Drama Triangle" by Stephen Karpman, M.D. ; we will take the next four posts to explain it, the roles that people play when trapped in the triangle, and lastly, how to get yourself out

We cannot get through this life without experiencing loss and grief; it is part of the human experience and is a process that is far from linear. My blog post today is a link to a Globe and Mail article that my best friend, Kim, wrote after her husband Morgan died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 35; that was eleven years ago today. At the time, it left her with a 2 and 1/2 year old son, a 6 month old daughter and a grief that was raw and unyielding. She wrote the a

Depression is sometimes experienced as anxiety . Because depression and anxiety share the same biological basis, people often can experience symptoms and not be entirely sure of the direct cause. Feeling nervous and irritable for example, can lead one to thinking they may have anxiety, but those are common in depression as well. Lack of concentration and difficulty sleeping can also indicate depression; very often if what we associate to depression (sleeping all the time and

My father used to love the expression “I yam what I yam,” quoting from the infamous Popeye. He would often say it in jest, and looking back, I suppose I inferred that it was sort of a “what you see is what you get” type of saying. Our past; our childhood and lifetime experiences shape us; it will bring to us a very individualized way of processing the world that is unique to us. I suppose we can look at this saying in two ways. When we apply it to ourselves, we have a greate

I am an avid reader and always have a book on the go. A good friend recently recommended a book to me entitled “The Home for Unwanted Girls” by Joanna Goodman. A novel set in the Eastern Townships of Quebec, there were many reminders for me of having grown up in Vankleek Hill, Ontario where the blend of French and English existed as part of our childhood. Every book has the potential to affect you in some way; this quote especially touched me: “Elodie closes her eyes. Maybe

Going through a break up at any stage in life is difficult. We have to be able to try and stay distracted from the desire to completely shut off from the world, while not staying so busy that we completely avoid the feelings we need to process. We have to try and balance the advice of "the less contact, the better" that we instinctively know we should adopt, while at the same time needing our ex for support during a time we feel most vulnerable. A relationship ending throws

Today marks a month that I have been writing and sharing my blog. Although for a better part of a year I had wanted to begin the blog, certain self-inflicted roadblocks were in my way: 1. I tend to be introverted and when I was in a doubtful space, I would ask myself "who would want to read anything I wrote anyway" (we all have self-doubt sometimes!) and 2. the technical side of anything tends to overwhelm me (just ask my kids when I bug them about the most minor questions co

Anxiety is adaptive. Because we are pre-programmed to worry, anxiety conforms; it is a system in our body that helps us to deal with real danger. When we see a car come into our lane up ahead, or a bear steps into our path while hiking, anxiety keeps us safe. It alerts our fear response to kick into action, which in turn, helps to try and flee the danger. Seeing anxiety in this way can help us to appreciate the difference between true danger (real threat) and perceived dange

A website recently came to my attention. It is called Big White Wall and it is an online peer support and self-management tool for youth 16+ and adults experiencing mild to moderate depression and anxiety. What I really liked about it was that it is available around the clock, it is anonymous, and is staffed by "Wall Guides" who make sure the community is safe and supportive. They have a section where you can post questions and get feedback, a creative section where you can p

In a recent article I read titled "The Vicious Cycle of Post traumatic Stress: 4 Cornerstones of PTSD" by Sally Nazari, PsyD and featured on Good Therapy, she talked about how PTSD symptoms can often occur after experiencing a traumatic event. Dr. Nazari writes, " Many different types of events can be traumatic. Trauma responses can follow any major change disruption in a person’s life." She goes on to write, "In the time immediately following a trauma, many people have exp