Harriet Lerner's Advice on Apologizing

I have a stack of books that I read for work; in fact, sometimes I have to limit my purchasing as I remind myself to catch up on the ones I have on my shelf! (I have this issue with fictional books too.) Most recently, I read Harriet Lerner's "Why Won't You Apologize?" and gained some insight into the art of the apology. Here are some points I resonated with:

• We are all apology-challenged with certain people and in some situations; some apologies are easier to offer than others.

• What drives over-apologizing? We can never know for sure. It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, a diminished sense of entitlement, an unconscious wish to avoid criticism, an excessive wish to placate, some underlying river of shame, or a desire to show off what a well-mannered Brownie Scout is. You don't need to know what causes something in order to fix it. If you over-apologize, tone it down.

• Perfectionism can make it difficult for any of us to offer a simple apology, because we are unlikely to be able to view our errors and limitations in a light and self-loving way. 

• Not everything is forgivable. Accepting an apology doesn't always mean reconciliation. The best apology in the world can't restore connection.

• A true apology does not ask the other person to do anything - not even to forgive.

Lerner's chapters on forgiveness and finding peace were especially worth reading. Lerner's words are easy to read, direct and woven with humour.

"Why Won't You Apologize?"

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