There are days in our lifetime that strike us with an unforgettable feeling. The day Princess Diana died was one of those days for the world; the events of August 31, 1997 sent nations into mourning. Princess Diana was the exception to British royalty; she often set aside convention and yet managed to do so with grace and poise. Three of my favourite quotes: "Only do what your heart tells you." “Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the kn

Avoidance is one of our defense mechanisms. If we are trying not to face the truth about something or desire to not feel a certain emotion, we can choose to avoid as a way of putting off the inevitable. But how does the use of avoidance work in conflict? Typically, if someone tends to default to an avoidance position, they will also tend to do so in relationship as well to bypass conflict. Sometimes, avoidance in conflict can be useful: It prevents an immediate conflict; giv

I came upon this quote the other day which was a nice reminder to me on a day that felt a bit stuffed with too much on the agenda (at my own doing!): "Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. If we're frantic, life will be frantic. If we're peaceful, life will be peaceful. And so our goal in any situation becomes inner peace. " - Marianne Williamson. We all have days that feel overwhelming; even within those days we can seek small moments of peace if t

Building on yesterday's post about how chronic pain can affect someone's emotional health as well, we can see how chronic pain can often lead someone to living a pain centered life. Prolonged pain can be quite stealthy, invading our system in an insidious way. Often times, we continue to live our life as we always did, ignoring the pain as we plow through our day. This becomes a pain centered way of life, forcing us to eventually face the pain when we have pushed ourselves to

Chronic pain is generally defined as pain that has gone beyond tissue repair, lasting longer than six months, and pain that is not responsive to usual treatment. It can be intermittent, such as migraines, or continuous, such as a back pain. Because chronic pain tends to be insidious, we don't often realize that chronic pain and mental health disorders tend to go hand in hand. Three useful facts: Our brain is able to cope with acute pain as it is a part of our survival mechan

In the article entitled "The Anger Iceberg" by Kyle Benson and featured on The Gottman Institute Relationship Blog , Benson writes: "Think of anger like an iceberg. Most of the iceberg is hidden below the surface of the water. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath the surface. It’s easy to see a person’s anger but can be difficult to see the underlying feelings the anger is protecting." In therapy, one of the most useful bits of infor

Yesterday's blog post touched on jealousy and how it can erode relationships. But are opposite sex friendships okay? The short answer..... they can be, but proceed with caution. Our attachment system works in such a way that we can easily attach to more than one child, more than one friend, more than one sibling or family member. When it comes to our partners, however, our attachment system tends to need full investment; when we begin relying on an opposite sex friend on an

Secure attachment is a safe place; one in which we feel a sense of reciprocal loyalty to our partner. Within the context of a healthy relationship, there may be times when we feel a bit territorial; if you are at a social event and it appears that someone has decided to put the charm on your partner, you may get a little prickly feeling, a natural response to someone invading your space. But what happens when it moves to jealousy? And what does that do to a relationship? The

Mother Teresa continues to be a source of inspiration to me; her ability to be gracious, her benevolent nature and the wisdom she found in living a charitable life is something we can all benefit from. Three of my favourite quotes from Mother Teresa include: "Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary." - Mother Teresa "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa "Help one person at a time an

We are used to being in the process of 'doing.' From the moment that we get up we are task oriented. This is not a bad thing; after all, we get a certain sense of pride when we are productive, when we feel in motion, when we can cross off items on our to-do list. Sometimes however, in the process of doing, we forget how to be . Being comes from our moments of stillness, our conscious choice to be mindful - of a moment, of the way that the sun feels on our face, on how someth

Came across this lovely passage about today: Today you have a choice. You can choose between anger and love. Division and unity. Frustration and hope. Selfishness and giving. Turning away and showing up. Choose kindness and the choice is simple. It's hard to regret being kind. - Rachel Marie Martin Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@ditto7

Our emotional system is quite amazing. We are born with a set of emotions that innately work for us and yet that same emotional system is shaped by the world around us. The experiences and lessons we have been taught by our caregivers will influence and guide us into our emotions and our reactions to those feelings, healthy or not. We know that emotion trumps reason every time. In reclaiming our emotional system so as to begin to feel more emotionally regulated, the first s

In his best selling book entitled "The Seat of the Soul," Gary Zukav has this to say about intention: "When an intention comes from your heart, it brings the energy of your heart into your action and creates experiences for you. When your intention is not from your heart, it brings fear into your action and creates your experiences. You must be aware of what you are feeling and thinking in order to recognize the difference." He goes on to mention that we can ask ourselves

I appreciate this passage by Victoria Erickson: "This is your reminder that you'll consistently deepen. And it's a lot more fun, magical and beautiful to involve yourself with only those who can handle it. Who will deepen and learn right alongside you." - Victoria Erickson This is why we sometimes outgrow relationships, or have to take space from people who fail to support us. This is why we sometimes need to purge our social media and add those that help us in our journey

"It is all my fault." "There is something wrong with me." "Nothing I ever do is good enough." Clients who come to therapy struggling with self-worth say these things to themselves. And pretty much every one of them had a parent who was critical. The need to criticize another person is about control. What better way to control someone than to oppress them; if they feel lesser than you, they will most likely do your bidding and you feel safe and secure in top position. Unheal

Dealing with an uncomfortable emotion can wreak havoc on our comfort system. We can try to avoid a prickly feeling, but it likes center stage; it will keep poking at us to the point where emotion trumps reason , leaving us feeling flustered and possibly regretful for things said or done in the heat of an all encompassing emotion. When we attempt to bring our rational mind into the picture, one of the ways we can do that is with distraction. It is important to note that distr

Just in case you needed it today: “The sun is still shining, the wind is still blowing, and out in the wild you are growing. Days may go by without change you can feel, but what's happening here is most certainly real: You are becoming what you were meant to become out in the wild in the arms of the sun.” - Morgan Harper Nichols And as Anne Dillard reminds us: "No one escapes the wilderness on the way to the promised land." - Anne Dillard. Photo credit: https://unsplash.co

Guilt is one of our healthy emotions; if we manage our feelings of guilt in a way as to help us repair, it can strengthen our relationships and help contribute to a sound regulation of our emotions. Although there is a belief that shame is an extension of guilt, that is a misconception. Shame may share some characteristics with guilt; they are both self-conscious and fall into the class of "moral" emotions; however, shame differs from guilt as it is tied to self-worth. When

I came across this lovely reminder about self-love: One thing your life will be is full. Not just full of happy days. Not just full of sad days. But full of them both. And then there will be many in between days too. Learn to love yourself in each. This is the best thing you can do for your life. - s.c lourie Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@sarahdotgif

Time is a funny thing. When we feel rushed and overwhelmed, we don't have enough time; when we are relaxed and comfortable, time is on our side. When we are bored or disengaged, time drags us down. Time however is eternal. It is not based on our moods or level of being busy. It carries on through grief, loss and heartache. It is a steady in the ebb and flow of our lives. It is our perception of time that will create our associations to it. We decide if it is our friend or