I came across this quote by Maya Angelou that reflects the importance of trying to live with the notion of today, the present moment - to try and heal from our past and not fret too much about the future: "If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present....gratefully." - Maya Angelou As a therapist, I do believe in the process of looking back. But it is never about blame,

The importance of attachment, unconditional love and acceptance is now undisputed as being cornerstones to our well being. When we focus on nurturing our loved ones with those goals in mind, we are creating space for a strong foundation and healthy relationships. But is it possible to over nurture? If we find ourselves in a position where we routinely take on other people's problems and have difficulty in saying no, we may be moving into Rescue mode . Here, we tend to have a

A recent quote got me thinking: "The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance." - Alan W. Watts. Although we have often heard that the only constant is change, we frequently hesitate to welcome it, much less plunge right into it. Perhaps this comes from the element of the unknown as it compromises our level of comfort and safety; perhaps it comes from the transitional element of change. Even good experiences (like weddings an

There are times when we reflect upon our work schedule and know that it is off balance. Sometimes this may come from a difficulty in saying no, a strong work ethic, a heavy caseload, the need to achieve. In any case, we are not doing ourselves any favours by ignoring the importance of setting personal work boundaries - ones that are created with self-care in mind. Book end your day. Have a start time and an end time that is reasonable and achievable. Not sticking to this dai

I came across this lovely poem by Mary Oliver that reminds us how important nature is to our well being: When I Am Among the Trees When I am among the trees, especially the willows and the honey locust, equally the beech, the oaks and the pines, they give off such hints of gladness. I would almost say that they save me, and daily. I am so distant from the hope of myself, in which I have goodness, discernment, and never hurry through the world but walk slowly, and bow often. A

Sometimes we are faced with someone whose anger is getting the best of them. This might be a child, partner, co-worker, friend, or someone at the grocery store. In any case, we are better served to employ some de-escalation strategies in an effort to bring the communication back to a place where compromise has space to be sought. Remain calm. Or at least act it. When someone is getting angry, it automatically creates in us a defensive or frustrated stance. By centering ourse

Perhaps one of the biggest myths that society continues to reinforce is the notion that "the more I have, the happier I'll be." We see it in the shows we watch, the advertisements on TV, the influence that we place on celebrities. Social media has exploded the pressure that young people feel to get 'likes' or followers - most often tied to their appearance. The myth that the more we have the happier we'll be gets tied to material possessions and the notion that happiness is

I want you to ask yourself, "Did I actually do anything wrong?" This is often the counsel I give to clients who are struggling with guilt. The definition of guilt as written in  Webster's Dictionary: "the fact of having committed a legal offense // the fact of having transgressed the moral law // a feeling of culpability ."  In my "Dictionary of Emotions by Patrick Michael Ryan," he lists guilt as: "remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. "   In either exampl

In our last post on "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz , we explore the fourth and final agreement: "Always do your best . Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret." - Don Miguel Ruiz. If you were lucky to grow up hearing "Just try your best," you learned a ver

Moving right along in our series on "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz , today we explore the third agreement: "Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life." - Don Miguel Ruiz Making assumptions is something we all do. S

Yesterday's post featured one of four agreements featured in Don Miguel Ruiz' s book entitled "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom." Today's post features the second agreement: " Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." - Don Miguel Ruiz I ca

In 1997, "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz was published. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct, known as the Four Agreements that promote a life of peace and contentedness. The next few posts will feature Ruiz's teachings; today's post is about the first agreement: " Be impeccable with your word . Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip abo

When I read this poem by Erin Hanson, I thought of the grief we often feel through relationship loss: I was the type of person, That held onto things too tight, Unable to release my grip, When it no longer felt right,  And although it gave me blisters, And my fingers would all ache, I always thought that holding on, Was worth the pain it takes, I used to think in losing things, I'd lose part of me too, That slowly I'd become someone, My heart no longer knew, Then one day some

This quote from Victoria Erickson reminds us that reaching our full potential comes from within: “If you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want gardens, become the gardener. If you want love, embody love. If you want mental stimulation, change the conversation. If you want peace, exude calmness. If you want to fill your world with artists, begin to paint. If you want to be valued, respect your own time. If you want to live ecstatically, find the ecstasy w

There are two truths in life that continue to show us that we are better served to accept them than to rail against them: We cannot get through life without challenges. As much as we may focus on living a life to the fullest, there will always be times when we are faced with challenges that we will need to overcome. A relationship may end, we may experience a job change, a friendship may shift, we may lose a loved one, something occurs completely out of our control. Sometime

The last four posts have talked about communication styles and the healthiest position of "I am important and so are you." In other words, our ability to be assertive and to be able to respect both ourselves and others when it comes to our needs, our opinions and our boundaries. Here are three quotes to help us think about assertiveness: The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives - Tony Robbins “When you tolerate disre

Our healthiest communication style is assertiveness; it is a way of communicating that validates our own needs without dismissing anyone else's and delivers the message "I am important and so are you."  When we want to honour our own importance, the first step is to be able to recognize our own needs. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, "What is it I really want in this situation? How do I want to be treated?" Once we can identify what we need, the next step is to be able

Moving right along in our series about communication styles, today's post is about passive-aggressiveness. True to its name, it is a combination of both the passive and aggressive positions. In this style of communication, you sacrifice your own needs, and although it feels okay to do so, it also comes with some resentment attached to it. And as a result, usually somewhere along the line, you get back at the person who asked you to sacrifice your own needs in some way. The me

Yesterday we looked a how a passive style of communication can position ourselves into unimportance; today we will focus on what tends to be an aggressive or dominant form of communication. What characterizes this form of communication is the pull to have your own needs met first . Typically, a person has learned that their needs trump others' either because as a child their needs were not met (and they defaulted to elbowing their way to the front of the line) or they were ta

We tend to adopt a certain style of communicating based on our temperament, learned behaviour and our experiences growing up. You will most likely see yourself, as well as others in your life, in one of four styles of communicating. Today we will look at what it is like to communicate in a passive way. If you are apt to communicate in this style, you tend to sacrifice your own needs for others; and you do so willingly. This is an important distinction because it actually f